by Samantha Brown

Created on: May 29, 2009

Growing up, I was determined to break the mold. I was going to be the one person from my family that didn't have to battle an addiction of some form. Seeing it every day, the pain that such things caused, tore me apart. I never wanted to be one of those people. Watching families fall apart, including the one I grew up in, was heartbreaking. I vowed to never cause such pain. Then I started high school.

I had no friends, coming from homeschool to grade 10 in public school. All I did was survive my first two weeks of school. The pressure hit me when I felt as though everything was being taken away from me. I took one too many pills and called it a day, passing out on my bed. Rehab was no fun. 5 days in there was enough to drive a sane girl mad because of one little mistake. After being released, I felt so lost, and began to take pills almost religiously. Pain pills, anti-depressants, whatever I was handed on any particular day in hallway passing. I even tracked down some speed at one time.
Before I realized my growing dependency, it was too late to do anything about it. It was "My back hurts, I'll just take one.. or two.. or four.. of these." Then, "I can't sleep, maybe I should just take 6 more.." I worked up to "I promise, I'll get help if I think I'm in trouble, I promise I'm okay." Then swallowing a capsule that was slipped under the lunch table into my hand on my walk back to class. I refused to believe I had a problem, because as long as I had my steady supply of pills, I was okay. I began to mix pills, testing their effects on my body, and letting myself fall victim to addiction.
Shortly after promising I was not addicted, I ruined my relationship, saying I was not happy and needed some time to think. One week later I overdosed. It was my 3rd or 4th that I can actually remember. I fell into thinking that I was a failure, I was running out of pills, my suppliers weren't supplying. I couldn't eat, drink, walk or sleep. Losing everything, I fell into a deep depression and became intent on ending it all. Though I never could bring myself to do it.
One day something in my mind changed. I put down my faithful pills, and stepped into a new life. I told my old life goodbye, and then the withdrawals began. My heart raced, my mind jumped from one thing to another, my hands shook, I was boiling hot, and ice cold. Realizing my addiction was the hardest part, accepting it was another thing entirely. I pulled apart each piece of my thoughts, beginning to recognize what I had done to myself. Yet I actually remembered little of it. I began to apologize, to everyone that knew I had a problem before I did. Though most importantly, I apologized to myself for falling into it.
Realizing that life held much more than I had previously seen, I began to turn mine around. It was a hard road, and still is. Learning to talk about my problems became a daily routine, and it wasn't uncommon for me to skip class to talk with a friend in the bathroom. Skipping class probably wasn't the best idea though. I started to see the brighter side of life, and honestly things looked pretty good.
In nearly 4 months of being clean off of pills, I can say with all confidence that I will never go back to that habit. Dealing with the emotional pain was far worse than any physical pain I have ever endured. Seeing things from the point of view of the first hand addiction victim, and watching things fall apart around you is by far the worst feeling to have, even subconsciously. I suppose the experience gave me a new perspective on life, that nothing bad will last, and the good is right around the corner. It simply takes a strong will to see it.

Learn more about this author, Samantha Brown.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.