Experience has taught me that things are rarely as they appear. Take, for example, your local place of worship. While there may be many redeeming reasons to attend (vibrant children's ministry, "safe" teen hang out, being in a place where the majority believe along the same lines you do, etc.), I have found that often, the place so many flock to for solace is a place that can derail a person's faith walk.
The "church" in the Bible is nothing like we have made it. There, it is portrayed as a living, breathing organism, designed to help its members grow not only in the area of faith, but of everyday life. It was meant to help people in every aspect of their lives - if you are hungry, I am to feed you. If you die, I am to talk care of your children as if they were my own. If I need a place to live, you were to willingly open your home and take me in. And together, we explore the things of God, struggling through his admonitions and encouragements. No "special education" was required to share the spiritual truths. No "talking head" held the sole responsibility or reigns of how the body operated.
Somewhere along the line, someone decided that God's design wasn't working, and that "man" had to institute rules and regulations. "Man" decided it would be easier to control the situation by creating a centralized location under the guise of a "place" of worship (what happened to having a life of worship?). This "place" was supposedly designed to be a storehouse, where people in need could come and find help with whatever they needed. And while these things do happen occasionally, mostly "the place" has become an over sized building designed to reflect the ego of the leadership, while centralizing activities so that people who believe can congregate together against the evils of "the world" instead of being out and among the people who believers say need to hear what they have to say.
The whole "wrongness" of what the church has become has haunted me for a long time. I am married to a pastor, and have seen the attitude and self-centered agendas first-hand for many years. While my husband has struggled to make the wrongs right, and maintained his integrity, many people he has worked with are really no different than the two-faced businessman consumed with "the sale" and the deal.
Because of my husband's "job," the idea that I can "walk away" from organized religion without major consequence is ludicrous. However, I also know that to build my spiritual life solely around traditional religious beliefs transmitted from my local church body is just as crazy. I tried it for years.
When I was younger, "the church" (that organized religious institution that most people "go to" on Sundays) was my entire focus. It was my social outlet. It was my spiritual guidance. "The church" controlled my actions ("What would the church people say?"), the way I interpreted life ("Oh no! They aren't going to church, so they can't be as spiritual as me."), and even what I listened to (everyone knows Satan dwells in rock and roll, right?). I was blind to most things, washed over by a religious cloaking that permeates most churches I have ever been a part of.
These churches seems to continually manipulate situations and information to ensure their control over the masses who willingly came to their doors week after week. And, when "thinking a different way" becomes equated with sin ... well, the fear that response created kept me asking questions secretly for years. I'd pour over the Bible, trying to figure out what was "wrong with me," and cry out to God to open my eyes, when all around me the bleary-eyed masses didn't seem to question anything deeper than the latest local gossip about the youth pastor.
Eventually, I found that simply attending without questioning actually became a detriment to the growth of my faith. After a series of disillusioning encounters with church leadership, and discovering the lack of knowledge and belief many of them had in the very things they preached each Sunday, I decided that maybe "church" wasn't the best thing for my faith walk. I took a hiatus of a couple of months, while trying to find balance between what I knew, and what my husband "required" of me. Even before coming to that point, I continued to read, to pray, and to discuss "spiritual matters" with friends and enemies alike. I struggled with the concepts before I swallowed blindly, and worked hard to separate what was actually "said" in the Bible from what I'd been "taught" by people who wanted to hold the structure together through their interpretations and traditions more than the "truths" written down.
I also began reading about other faiths. Another thing strongly suggested by "the church" is that to read about any other belief system will cause you to wander and doubt - as if these things are bad in and of themselves! What makes them "bad" to organized religions is that you might take your time and money somewhere else. I discovered that things I'd always thought - like God cares for everyone, regardless of their religious affiliation - were probably true. I then had to wrestle with what that meant and required of me day to day. My discovery of other faiths has actually pared down and strengthened what I truly believe, which to me is that which I am wiling to live out in action.
Once I was "free" from the feelings that I had to "go to church" to "believe in God," suddenly I was open to actually listening to God's "voice" again. I felt promptings - things I should and shouldn't do - not because I lived in fear of retribution, but because they were actually good or bad for me. I started working through the whole obligation thing ... and learned that if I wanted to know God more, I had to know people more, and learn to really care, not because they would "get saved" or "come to church." Instead, I started to care about them simply because they were. It restored their humanity to me, and in turn, helped me become more of a real person - a person I was "purposed" to be."
After I came to some of these realizations, I suddenly felt "free" to go back to the structure whenever I chose. One thing I do believe "church" as we know it does is give a place to develop deep relationship quickly. Unfortunately, just like a plant grown under artificial light and heat grows quickly, yet is often not very hearty, so too are many of those "church" relationships. So, I decided to go to invest in "real" relationship." I made it a point to not only be a "Sunday" friend, but to try my best to develop these relationships outside the four walls of the church. And while I still fail to make proper time for this endeavor, I'm working toward that end.
I can say that now "attending church" is just a small part of my life. Yes, I go most Sundays. Yes, I even teach occasionally. But I've invested more time in our local food outreach. I've looked for ways to help my neighbors more than my church "friends." I've focused my kids on helping outside the building, and encouraged them to have meaningful relationship with people who don't attend their church, because they have to work harder to grow those friendships.
I'm confident in saying that my "growth in faith" has never been stronger! I have my doubts a "traditional" church person would agree, but I know this thing to be true of me. To be truthful, what "they" believe of me has no bearing over what I am, or what I believe. This, perhaps, is the greatest benefit I've received.