Just as it is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a child's or teen's spending "too much time" on the phone can sometimes be in the view of the parents in question. It can also depend on the age of the child. One other determining factor of how much is too much can be whether the child or teen lets responsibilities go, in favor of talking on the telephone. Before planning to get kids to talk less on the phone, parents need to consider whether, in fact, their kids are talking too much on it. Whether or not kids are spending too much time or simply talking talking more than their parents think they should, there are ways to build into family life some "natural" limitations.
Generally, children of about twelve years old or younger are still of "playing-outside age" (and if they're not, they should be). "Soul-searching" conversations aren't usually a part of life for kids this young. When children in this age range are not out playing with neighborhood pals, or with a friend or two who has been dropped off, they're often engaged in after-school activities where they have the opportunity to spend time with a completely different set of friends. With all this time to spend with peers, children this age shouldn't require a lot of time to be holding long conversations over the telephone. An upcoming birthday party, or being home with a flu-like illness, may be good reason for the occasional long phone call, but children this age shouldn't have the time or need for a lot of talking on the telephone. A quick call to make plans with friends, or calls to Mom or Dad at work, don't fall under the category of "too much time on the phone".
When children are in this age range parents can easily set up a few rules about phone use, refrain from handing their young child a cell phone with unlimited time, and generally have control over the child's access to telephones. Establishing an hour and length of time for "conversation" phone calls can offer kids in this age range the chance to occasionally talk with a friend without license to talk to buddies at the expense of "the rest of childhood".
Kids in the thirteen-to-sixteen age range are, in my opinion, at an age when a little flexibility with regard to phone limits may be in order. Younger teens are at an age when they've outgrown playing outside, when they are too young to be out nights on their own, when the pressures of school and activities can combine with the pressures of being a young teen, and when friends can sometimes seem like the only ones with whom kids can really talk. They're also at an age when, if they're fortunate, they often build very close relationships with a friend. The trouble is if that friend lives on the other side of town it may be difficult to get together and have "real" conversation. School often doesn't offer that opportunity. After-school activities don't offer it either. School lunch and three-minute walks between classes don't offer it. Neither does waiting for the bus for fifteen minutes with a bunch of other kids.
This is an age when primary school friends develop "eight-grade" relationships. It's an age, too, when kids outgrow earlier friends and start to build friendships that are based on having something in common other than the street on which both reside.
One of the best and most important things a kid in this age range can have is a close relationship with a friend or two; and one of the only ways to build that kind of relationship is sometimes by having long conversations. Further, besides building close friendships, long conversations between two young friends can help each young person learn who he is, what he believes, and what he wants to become through thoughtful conversations.
My opinion about kids in this age range comes not just from having been the mother of three teens, myself, but also from my own experience as a young teen. In that long-ago time before "call waiting" was available, I remained a long-term and ever-present irritant in the life of my elder sister's boyfriend, who was not above calling the operator and saying he needed to interrupt my long calls with an "emergency".
At the time, my parents didn't care that I talked, because their calls were made during the day while mine took place during the evening (when other people watched television, in which I had little interest). Instead, I preferred to mull over "the meaning of life", my friend's and my views on the (then) "hot" topic, "premarital sex", what we thought made a good relationship, and just about everything else in life. Together, my girlfriend and I worked out our beliefs and principles through our long conversations, and our parents would have proud of the conclusions we reached on our own. Sometimes, of course, we just found silly things to talk about, and we rolled on the floors of our respective bedrooms in laughter.
With all the struggles and stresses of "learning to be a person", one of the best ways for kids to feel "understood" is to have a close friend, talk, and - yes - be silly and laugh. Socializing (even if only the telephone) can be a far more constructive activity than television-watching, which is why I think a little flexibility isn't a bad idea for kids in this age range.
I can still hear my mother telling anyone who had an opinion about my long conversations, "I'd rather have her in the bedroom, on the phone with her girlfriend, than out somewhere at night." I can still hear my father's words, "What do you find to talk about for THAT long?" My reply was always, "I don't know - everything."
When my own kids were young teens, I, too, was just as pleased to have them on the phone or online "chatting" with their friends, as long as the homework was not being neglected; and as long as they also had a generally life in addition to the "life on the phone" or computer.
For young teens, the measure of "too much" time on the phone should really be whether or not they are getting done what they need to do. Today, with "free nights and weekends" cell phone service, free PC-to-PC phone calls, and several other inexpensive ways to have extra phone service; the issue of "too much time on the phone" isn't usually about tying up the family's own telephone (or doesn't have to be).
Even with what might be considered a "need" for younger teens to talk, giving teens this age specific hours for making their long phone calls can help them realize that the family telephone is not their private phone. By virtue of having a specific time range for long calls, some curbing of the tendency to really over-do it is built in. It may not be such a bad thing for parents and siblings to have to tell others, "Don't bother calling between six and eight-thirty, because the phone will be tied up." Of course, "call waiting" means that no important or brief call will go unanswered, provided parents tell young teens that that is the rule if a "special time" is set up for their long calls.
Once kids get to be sixteen and over, many are well past the regular "long-conversations" stage. Between being in school, after-school activities , working part-time, and being able to be out socializing; kids of this age are often not home long enough for the occasional long conversation to be a problem. Kids of this age, however, are also old enough to have their own cell phone and/or their own computer. Whether parents choose to provide these things for their older son or daughter, or expect their child to pay for them on his own, kids of this age can talk on their cell phones (if they have free nights and weekends, or if they "save up" prepaid time), and they can talk over the Internet.
Older teens, however, are at an age when homework can count more than ever; and when other responsibilities have usually increased as well. As with younger kids, parents should keep an eye that responsibilities are not being neglected in favor of talking of the phone. It may be reasonable enough for a teen to clean his room after he talks to his friend, but if the room isn't cleaned within a reasonable amount of time that changes the picture.
With older teens who only have Internet service and cell phones because parents are paying for it, setting up a few simple rules can be fairly easy: "If the homework isn't getting done I'm keeping the phone until I stop getting notices from the school that isn't." Even when kids have worked to pay for their own phones, it is still reasonable for parents to address the matters of homework and responsibilities, even if they aren't holding the "purse strings" (or perhaps a more appropriate metaphor would be, "phone charger").
Even with older teens, parents should keep in mind that some are more mature than others. Some may still need those long conversations with friends. Also, sometimes it really is better if a son or daughter decides to stay home and talk once in a while, rather than "hanging out" every, single, day or night.
Still, older teens aren't like younger ones, who are at the mercy of their age and inability to have much of outside life while also being a little too old for "play-with-toys" lifestyle. For older teens, it can be less of an "emotional hardship" to have parents reclaim the family phone line and expect the older teen to figure out how to make phone calls other than using the family phone.
Besides calls involving long conversations, there is another way kids of any age may use the phone too much. That is with lots and lots of short, pointless, phone calls. (It isn't just kids who do this, so parents should evaluate whether they are guilty of this behavior, often associated with cell phones.) Parents need to teach kids that phone calls should have a purpose, whether that purpose is to make plans, have a good conversation, or to report emergencies. Being a person who always has a phone in his hand, or plastered against an ear, for no real reason or purpose is neither polite nor the best use of one's own or someone else's time.
Whether it's a child of ten or sixteen, calling other people all through the day is making a pest of oneself; and kids need to know this, just as they need to know about refraining from any number of behaviors that involve making a pest of oneself (or otherwise acting impolitely).
An important consideration in determining how much is too much is also the potential hazards of cell phones. Kids making their long calls over the family land line and a phone with a cord don't face that potential, uncertain, risk associated with using a cell phone.
"Too much time on the phone" really is very much in the eye of individual parents (and elder sisters' boyfriends). Before parents consider making new rules or taking away phone privileges, they need to first consider why it is they believe their son or daughter is talking on the phone too much, and whether or not the phone use is detracting from, or adding to, the child's life.