by Martin Dansky

Created on: May 27, 2009

I need to remember what my childhood was like because if not I won't be allowed to live, now isn't that strange? That is what i saw when I got cornered at my local cafe one morning, the one where I used to go with my older cousin to pick up my favorite fruit filled muffin. It used to fall apart in my tiny hands when I picked it up so I got used to jabbing it so it wouldn't crumble.

Then I wasn't going to tell my Mom who always wanted to know where I went with my cousin because that would mean I had to stop the binge and just eat my breakfast, "like any other kid on the block would do."My Mom was generous alright but firm. I guess she had to be to manage three kids with Dad gone. He died because he liked to smoke, I used to think. Today I think that he more selfish because of the smoke he left behind to breathe in the playroom when he was gone. I still have good olfactory memory of my childhood, at that!

My mother would have to know what every other kid on the block would do, and she used to say that she wasn't nosy either. "It was just the others", she'd say. I hated having to be told that had to be like everyone else even if she was right but she knew how to play her game. As soon as she would say that I did not follow any rule outside of what she could control, I wasn't like anyone else and then she would play on my lack of self-esteem.

Our cousins would live upstairs alright and I would imagine what freedom they had that I didn't because they were grown.I even remember an argument they had with their parents over the use of a car they had. One blamed the other for an accident and in those days, there wasn't any no fault insurance. If you hit another car you were to blame and parents were not there to pay for your good times as much as they are today.

I could remember that one cousin was my favorite, because her brother used to hang around more with his friends. She lived upstairs too, used to come visit me at camp and even allowed me to listen to her records when she wasn't home. I used to pretend to be an adult and try to dance to some of the music but my other cousin must have caught me doing some wrong steps and he showed me how to cha-cha and do the twist. I even looked at an old comic book with Betty explaining to Archie how to go through the dance steps. Isn't it weird to remember all this incidental stuff years after it all happened and there is no clear relation between that and anything "important" today.

I guess that is why remembered back then, if I was to forget, there would be those unwanted comments that used to come in and bother me, like I wasn't capable of doing things right. I wanted to be credited with what I did instead of being ruefully criticized for any attempt at learning something new. there is an additional reason for the sharp memory, it helps to compensate for the fact that the family, or what used to consider family has drifted apart. My cousins went on to create their own families, my aunt and uncle are long gone but they offered me peace of mind when the going was rough downstairs and i needed somebody to talk to.

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