by Matt Bird

Created on: May 27, 2009

Insults, delivered with the proper timing, can be devastating - especially if you just sit there and take it. Those who don't want to fight back against an insult-slinger, or those who just don't know how, always end up on the spot and look silly.

Don't be one of these people. There are plenty of ways to toss an insult right back at your attacker, all of which are quite effective when correctly used. They almost always make you look incredibly slick and your target like a fool, especially if you toss them out without hesitation.

Here are some of my favorite comebacks for insults. Practice them and make good use of your preferences when the time comes.

- Acknowledge the insult, and do it with a smile. "Yep!" or "Thanks!" or "It's not news to me!" will often throw the other person off balance and perhaps give you space to strike back with something else. Typically insulters look for their victims to stumble and withdraw, allowing room for more insults. Don't give them that pleasure.

- Laugh. The insult was probably silly in the first place, and hardly based in fact. Laugh it off and, again, they won't know what to do. This is especially good if you start to double over with laughter, wipe a tear from your face and walk off while still chuckling over their idiocy.

- If the insult is especially dumb, "your momma" isn't out of the question, as long as you toss it in really quickly.

- If they mess up in the delivery of the insult in ANY way, capitalize on the mistake immediately and never let it go. They'll probably stumble even more in the next insult, and it just goes downhill for them from there.

- Stare at them blankly whether you understood the insult or not. Then, after a few seconds, say "I don't get it" and walk away. They'll feel like a total failure. Doesn't work as well if others are watching.

- "Genius. Did you stay up all night thinking that one up? Hope it didn't tax your puny brain too much."

- "Wow. Which website did you steal that one from? I want to preserve my brain cells by avoiding it."

- "You call that an insult? My dog leaves better material on my front lawn every morning."

- "You're a poster boy for birth control."

- "I'd love to trade barbs with you all day, but unlike yourself I have what is known as a life. I suggest getting one; they're quite exhilarating."

- "I'd fire whomever writes your material for you. They suck."

- Or, if you're feeling especially artistic, you can start singing praises about the person, bowing down to their insult and telling everybody around you about it in as enthusiastic a tone as possible. This will eventually embarrass the target and force them away from you out of bewilderment and fear of your mental state.

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