by Wendy Rodley

Created on: May 27, 2009   Last Updated: February 19, 2012

She supposed she should be grateful for her mangled heart as it had got her to Kieran's office and she knew deep down in her bones that she was doing the most positive thing she had ever done for herself. Even though she was a mess of tears and confusion during that first 'get to know you' interview and he could only guess as to The Problem, it was a healing step for her. Neither of them could possibly have made sense of her unhappiness as it poured out all around that brown room.

To Megan it seemed like there was such a lot of detail to be sorted somehow, certainly not to be confused to the point of hardly being able to put one word sensibly in front of another. Her feelings were so garbled but how could she expect herself to make sense of something that had never been expressed before? She felt as if she was emerging from a deep coma and had to learn all over again how to talk and walk. But in there somewhere was another thought, a simple, maybe too simple one, maybe a cop out? Perhaps, just perhaps, she didn't have to think too much at the moment, it certainly wasn't working.  She thought about the peace in Kieran's room, the silences with no demand. Oliver's ambient light that flickered on things for a while but never lingered for long. She was beginning to see that now, Then vanity kicked in and she thought about crying and how ugly she looked afterwards. Why couldn't she cry like those movie-patients, silently and without smudging anything? 

She looked over at him and wondered how the hell he had stood her blame for so long. Jesus she was a mess, such a hopeless mess. She felt so exposed and everything seemed so pointless, she couldn't tell him that she saw how bad she was.

Oliver, with tears in his eyes took her hand and put her to bed like a shepherd returning a stray to the fold. He then left her alone and went downstairs to watch T.V. She lay in bed awe struck by his tenderness and by her total lack of generosity.

Of course this was why she was in therapy. She had pretended to herself that it was to prove how right she was and how life really was conspiring against her! That night, however, the truth finally dawned, she had serious troubles and this most important love was on the rocks due to her inability to feel at home with herself, that night had been a microcosmic example of her huge fear of intimacy.

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