Contrary to popular belief, human nature is not always conducive to thinking things through. Sure, we've evolved enough to make complicated decisions and multitask, activating multiple sectors of our brains at once. But when it comes to fighting, thinking things through is the last thing on our agendas. There is no thought; there is, however, false accusations, harsh words, snappy decisions, and split personalities. And for most of us, counting to ten doesn't quite cut it.
The worst part is, we've all been there. We can all conjure up memories of that fight we wished we could forget or that moment when we snapped. My worst moment happened a month ago at a bar where the boy I'd seen on and off for over a year was sitting with his friend, drinking beers. We were supposed to talk about a questionable decision we'd both made a few nights earlier, but he'd avoided me as usual. So I snapped. He tried being nice to me, but I was too angry to talk. Then I changed my approach, apologizing and suggesting we talk later and just have fun. But his idea of fun did not involve me, so he continued to do his own thing all night. So I snapped again on the way out, and continued our argument via text message until three in the morning. He mentioned how crazy he thought it was when we finally did talk, and I tried to explain that his indifference was fueling my anger. Either way, I regretted how off the wall I'd acted that night. I think I snapped maybe twice in our entire year +, and both times were a result of him not treating me how I'd hoped to be treated when I was out in public with him.
The fact that I've snapped a few times has weighed on my mind, but I didn't realize how bad fights could really get until last night. It was Memorial Day Eve and Shar and I were at a local dive bar finishing off a pitcher of Miller Lite when two of the boy's friends walked in. Mark knew the boy probably since high school and his girlfriend, Sheila, was initiated into the group by association. Mark and Sheila were two people I'd actually enjoyed hanging out with because they were friendly and seemed like genuinely nice people. They bickered on and off, but it seemed like any normal couple's bickering would have.
We said hello to them and caught up for a while before retreating back to our original conversations. I was in the middle of asking Shar something when Sheila cried, "Help me get his phone!" I turned to see the two locked in a wrestling match for Mark's cell phone. I extended a hand half-heartedly that ended up touching his shoulder and asked, "What did you do that she wants your phone?" He said, "Nothing!" and she said, "Then give it to me!" I disengaged myself and turned back to Shar. Next thing I knew, Sheila had possession of the phone and was venturing off to the bathroom with it. Mark shook his head and turned to us.
"So, how long have you been dating?" I asked him.
"A few months now," he replied, nodding.
"What's the deal with the phone I asked?"
Before he could answer, Sheila was charging him. She clutched his cell phone in her right hand and landed a blow against his temple. She then threw the phone down on the bar and smacked him two more times in the head before storming out the door. My eyes were slightly enlarged and my jaw ajar as I waited for Mark's reaction.
"Yeah I think it was 3 months or so," he continued. "I don't get her problem though. She has no right to be angry. I caught her in bed with Nick and she said she had no idea how she got there." He paused, then said, "I should go out and check on her."
Sheila returned a few minutes later, shouting, "I see his cell phone and there's two texts to his exgirlfriend saying, 'You looked so hot tonight, I wanna do you.' What would you do?" I gave a noncommittal shrug, hoping to stay out of it. Lucky for me, all the potbellied 40-something men were worming out of the woodwork, making their way over to offer condolences and phone numbers.
When we passed them on our way out in the parking lot, I saw her give him another fist blow to the head and shuddered, anxious to drive my car away.
While I understand her anger, I'm not sure he really deserved a full-out cell phone beating. Unfortunately, she reminded me of one other person who never thinks things through. Andrew's exgirlfriend Sharon is the epitome of crazy. She stormed into his apartment one night while we were all playing an innocent game of Scattergories and began wrenching the boards out from beneath us, screaming that it was her game, and that Andrew treated her like crap. The thing was, Andrew did treat her like crap. He'd tell her how much he cared about her and then he'd date other people. She stayed with him and would snap constantly, and he still treated her like crap. What made me dislike her was that she treated me like crap. She'd take her anger out on my friends and me for no real reason, shoving us aside or cursing at us when she saw us in public.
So what are the consequences of not thinking things through? For me, it's guilt. Every time I think about how our relationship didn't work out, I feel guilty for the times I snapped and wonder if it was enough to drive him away. On the other hand, I think about how unwilling he was to work with me or help me when I asked him for tips on how to calm down in those rare situations. And I think ultimately if he cared about me enough, it wouldn't have mattered. Everyone fights; the people that love each other and care enough make it through.
Sheila and Mark always find ways to work it out, although they seem like a dysfunctional couple. I'm not sure I'd consider their relationship healthy, but who am I to judge? And Andrew continues to use Sharon, and Sharon continues to badmouth me to her friends and any stranger at a bar capable of hearing and understanding English. I'd say they have an unhealthy relationship too, but I don't think Andrew considers them to be anything.
Bottom line: when it comes to arguing and cheating and anything particularly heated, it's smart to think it through. Any time you act rashly, you end up regretting it later. And even though the anger and the curiosity and the hurt consume you enough to provoke you to action, it's best to take a deep breath and say, "There's always tomorrow. I can say this all tomorrow and it'll mean the same thing."
Or count to ten and refrain from punching your significant other in the head with a cell phone.