I forget
That God was the one who called me to Him
And pray
to turn Him toward me...
Set on getting God to hear my requests
I failed to notice
The fear in my own heart...
I was afraid of God
Sermons. Fellowship, service, Bible Study
Had not alleviated the fear
Because I hid it
And unconsciously reacted to it
By trying to control God
Or control God's Word
To vindicate my behavior and purpose in the world
Then God began to call me
Clearer and clearer He called me
By taking away Idols
Things I put above Him
Without admitting it
I could do without security
Could do without marriage and kids
Could do without love from family
Could do without music
Could do without a PhD
Could do without a home church...
It was hard to let these go
Each an agonizing wrench
But He kept calling me
Through sermons
Through scripture readings
Through Christian writings
Through Christian teachings
To give over my will to His love
'Til I admitted - in a confused scream -
I don't get it
I read what I read
Hear what I hear
And the words make sense
But I still relied on myself for answers and solutions
And steered my own life
I cried out to others:
I don't get what I read!
I don't get what I hear!
I don't get what I'm taught!
And a wise person who'd met God in her life said:
Tell Him
So I told Him I still don't 'get it'
Let me feel Your love
Let me experience gratitude toward You
From the depth of my soul
Let me know Your love
He answered me with everyday miracles that were
Wonderful
But He didn't stop there
I didn't stop there
I recognized that I was seeking to reach Him
Through His fruits
Through teachings, sermons, scripture readings, insights
These are all good things
But they're not You...
I want You, God, I cried out
These are not You
I want to meet You
I want You
He answered immediately in a totally unexpected way:
With threats
With close-calls
Near disasters
Each closer and more threatening than the last
He showed me fear of death
I thought I was being punished for
Wanting to meet Him
But others had 'met' Him
And their lives were transformed
And I knew God did not 'punish' people
Not like that, not after Christ
And sermons and teachings told me
He loved me
With an unconditional, infinite, abundant love
I even felt His love at times
I believed that in my mind
I believed He loved me
But I flinched every time He
Touched my life and pierced my soul
I had made myself vulnerable to Him
By laying bear my heart and soul
To a God who seemingly on a whim
Was threatening to take away all
Including life
And I cowered in fear
So, I cried out in a fit of confusion
And pain
I am afraid of You, God!
I am afraid of a God
Who would try to kill me (so it felt like)
Afraid of a God who
Puts me in harm's way
Afraid of a God who
Puts me through suffering
Unto death
Afraid of He who 'giveth and taketh away
Who 'builds up and tears down'
Who saves and smites
Who comforts and condemns
He who controls every aspect
Of my salvation
No amount of convincing myself
With reasons and belief
Could remove the fear
So I prayed to God
To take away my fear of Him
Be gentle with me, God
And take away my fear of you
'There is no fear in love'
I thought I knew You
But I had only loved the Idea of You
Yet another Idol
And in reality
I feared You
Even knowing You had sent Your beloved Jesus
To die for my sins
Even that made me afraid of You
But God answered my prayer
After flailing and wailing that I don't know how
I don't understand how to leave fear behind
To love Him
He answered:
Trust Me
I don't know how to trust You
I fear you
Trust Me
He insisted
How?
Trust Me
It wasn't that God was telling me
Go think about what it means to trust Him
He was saying: Trust Him Now This Very Moment
So I stopped
Stopped trying to 'figure out' what
Trusting God entailed
Stopped talking
And tried to feel what I most wanted to do
At that moment
- what else would it mean to trust Him?
I wanted to let go
Let go control
Stop fighting and struggling
Stop trying to figure out
And I realized in my heart:
He is here now, with, in, and around me now
And I let go
'like a weaned child with its mother'
I trust You
My heart let go of fear
And I felt a warmth above, next to
And all around and within me
And the Idea of God
Was replaced in my life
By a real presence
Whose warmth I feel
And whose I am...
And daily, moment by moment
Decision by decision
Deed by deed
I began to let His ever patient voice...
Trust Me!
...draw out my innermost feelings
and honest thoughts
Feelings and thoughts I had
Stuffed and covered up
Thinking they were not allowed
Trust Me!
And I trusted Him
My dearest confidant
My most cherished ally and friend
With my unadorned emotions and thoughts
As they poured out from my soul
Trust Me!
And my heart responded
The hardness melted
Ugly and beautiful emotions both tumbled out
In barely comprehensible torrents
Garbled, confused, guessing, judging
Criticizing, defying, accusing
And I confessed them all
One by one
Knowing He will forgive
And feeling the warm regard of His Mercy
Slowly and gradually
I stopped lashing out at God
Every time something went wrong in my life
I stopped trying to sever ties with Him
In order that I may do what I think
Or what others think is the right thing...
Trust Me!
He called out to me
Whenever I tried to rail against Him
Against the reality He allowed to happen
Against myself who failed yet again
To love God and neighbor
Trust Me!
He always gathered me back to Him
And my heart poured out its human mixture of
Ugliness and tenderness
Undoctored, unadulterated, unedited
Soon it became easier for me
To give over all my concerns
And I stopped worrying what if I stopped reacting
To an as yet unknown tomorrow
And started to live today, now
With a God who was real
Who knew my heart
And who kept my heart flowing
Pouring out its mixed but unfiltered torrent
And little by little
I began to love God
Because I allowed myself
With His help
To feel and admit and ultimately let go
Of my fear of Him
Freed by confessing to Him
I learned to love God
Through seeking Him
With my real feelings and
unedited thoughts