I forget

That God was the one who called me to Him

And pray

to turn Him toward me...

Set on getting God to hear my requests

I failed to notice

The fear in my own heart...

I was afraid of God

Sermons. Fellowship, service, Bible Study

Had not alleviated the fear

Because I hid it

And unconsciously reacted to it

By trying to control God

Or control God's Word

To vindicate my behavior and purpose in the world

Then God began to call me

Clearer and clearer He called me

By taking away Idols

Things I put above Him

Without admitting it

I could do without security

Could do without marriage and kids

Could do without love from family

Could do without music

Could do without a PhD

Could do without a home church...

It was hard to let these go

Each an agonizing wrench

But He kept calling me

Through sermons

Through scripture readings

Through Christian writings

Through Christian teachings

To give over my will to His love

'Til I admitted - in a confused scream -

I don't get it

I read what I read

Hear what I hear

And the words make sense

But I still relied on myself for answers and solutions

And steered my own life

I cried out to others:

I don't get what I read!

I don't get what I hear!

I don't get what I'm taught!

And a wise person who'd met God in her life said:

Tell Him

So I told Him I still don't 'get it'

Let me feel Your love

Let me experience gratitude toward You

From the depth of my soul

Let me know Your love

He answered me with everyday miracles that were

Wonderful

But He didn't stop there

I didn't stop there

I recognized that I was seeking to reach Him

Through His fruits

Through teachings, sermons, scripture readings, insights

These are all good things

But they're not You...

I want You, God, I cried out

These are not You

I want to meet You

I want You

He answered immediately in a totally unexpected way:

With threats

With close-calls

Near disasters

Each closer and more threatening than the last

He showed me fear of death

I thought I was being punished for

Wanting to meet Him

But others had 'met' Him

And their lives were transformed

And I knew God did not 'punish' people

Not like that, not after Christ

And sermons and teachings told me

He loved me

With an unconditional, infinite, abundant love

I even felt His love at times

I believed that in my mind

I believed He loved me

But I flinched every time He

Touched my life and pierced my soul

I had made myself vulnerable to Him

By laying bear my heart and soul

To a God who seemingly on a whim

Was threatening to take

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