by Nancy Todisco

Created on: May 22, 2009   Last Updated: May 23, 2009

Fortunately, if you were born female, you have a jump-start on the pathway to pure insanity. This is not to say that men can't ride the express train to psychoanalysis; it's just that women have a reserved VIP seating section, guaranteed by birth rite. The female gender have the pleasure of monthly hormonal rushes, lunatic-like labor experiences, and all the advantages of instant insanity. There is no need for the male gender to fret however, because I offer the following steps for a total and complete mental breakdown, regardless of gender or race. The great thing about insanity, is that it doesn't discriminate.

These steps are presented in no particular order, and almost any combination with provide some mental disturbances.

Step One : Have children. Yes, procreate. Fill your home and heart with little replicas of yourself. After all, didn't your parents always tell you that "someday" they hoped that you would give birth to one "just like you!" ? Wouldn't you want two or three more people that were a direct reflection of your husband, from their belching to their attitudes. The ironic thing about children is that their likeness to your spouse, can actually help to foster tension with your spouse, even if you haven't seen him or her for ten hours. I also suggest, for the truly daring, to give birth to multiples. Surely double trouble or triple threats can lead to double jeopardy in the cerebellum.

Step Two : This is a guaranteed, no holes barred, freight train to Freud : LEAVE THE ADULT WORLD. Throw away your business suits, your power lunches, your college degrees and your mind. Devote yourself to your children and they will reward you. They will reward you with oodles of their kisses, with their sticky fingerprints all over your heart, with the over- flowing, clogged toilets;....they WILL reward you. Replace board rooms with rooms filled with kids complaining they're bored. Replace power point presentations with Hannah Montana videos; business lunches with fluff sandwiches, and business trips with trips to the park.

Step Three : Gain a few, go ahead. Instead of fighting the world, fight yourself. Fight your jeans, battle the bulge, kick box your fat for a few years; it's sure to drive you right to the mental edge.

Step Four : Call Customer Service-any customer service of your choice. Call your bank, your utility company, your computer server, your insurance company; just call. True insanity can only be realized after talking 35 minutes to recordings

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