by J. Morah

Created on: May 22, 2009

Clown of the Party

Stop the show, still the limelight, I'm here for fun and to make you laugh, loud as always, joking as ever.

I've tried to drop my faade, but it never works. You've seen behind it; you know the real me, gentle and loving, but others think I'm made of steel, strong and unbreakable.

And now even you, the one I trust and love more than the rest, are losing sight of who I am.

I told you I don't love you.

Can't you see? I only said it because I thought letting you go, pushing you away, would stop these feelings and prevent the pain.

Instead, you look at me with those eyes that I can read as easily as my own writing, and you love me. Openly and unashamedly, you love me.

I don't know why.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not especially clever.

I have humour, but that can't be it.

Maybe that's what makes it special. I'm ordinary, but you've found different in me: something worth loving.

I've found it in you too.

I wish I could go back, rewrite my pages so I never ended it, and keep loving you forever, the way I know I always will.

I miss you so much. I know every little aspect of you, the way you walk, the faces you pull, the feelings you hide.

And I miss them all.

I don't want you to leave, and I don't understand why you have to go. Am I not worth staying for?

I never imagined it could be this difficult. I regret every wasted second I could've done something but didn't.

There's so many things I want to tell you, and so many questions I want to ask, but my mouth won't work and I always say the wrong words.

I always hurt you.

I always see it.

I always hate it.

Why can't this be simple? If only you could stay. If only we could make it work. If only I could tell you this, instead of writing it down and hiding it away.

If the rest of the world went away, I'd forget everything else and go for it.

One kiss is all I ask. It could be anything. A final goodbye, or an opening to something new.

Just as long as I find that one kiss, for all the rights and wrongs I've done, for all the times you've been there, for all the secret smiles we exchanged, for all the love we shared.

But instead I laugh, joke, smile, shout, paint my face with happiness to disguise the sickening sadness within.

Please help me. It's only you who can do anything.

I'm losing you. And I'm scared...

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