What causes resentment in a marriage? Although disagreements over money and the children come to mind, a closer look reveals that these disagreements may be symptoms of a bigger problem. When resentments destroy a marriage, they stem from deeper issues. These issues are associated with codependency, expectations and communication breakdown. If these deeper issues were not to blame, then arguments over finances and parenting would ruin every marriage.
So how do you keep your marriage from being destroyed by built up resentment? How do you know when a simple argument is really a sign that unresolved feelings will eventually boil over to make a mess of the love nest you've created? Keep this mental checklist handy when attempting to resolve conflict so that you can consider the unspoken, underlying issues that keep couples apart. Make a list as you check your marriage for issues of codependency, expectations, and communication that may be sources of resentment working to divide you and your spouse.
Codependency Issues. Codependency is a vary encompassing condition that expresses itself in several distinctlydifferent ways. To understand all the different ways that codependency can manifest itself in a person's behavior, a fairly lengthy lesson would be required. What is important is that,resentments are created by people who say yes when they mean no.
It begins with a request. You are leaving work when a coworker asks for a ride home. He lives in the opposite direction than you are driving. You want to say no. You are tired. You don't have much gas. He may be a smoker who will want to smoke in your vehicle. But you say yes, and agree to give him a ride home. Already you feel uncomfortable in your gut.
If you agree to help someone despite your own discomfort, the result is that you begin to resent the person you are doing the favor for. Codependent people value the needs and desires of their spouse more than themselves. They will ignore their own needs and wants to meet the needs and wants of another person. They will agree to do things that they do not have time to do, or loan money they cannot afford to loan, creating hardship for themselves. The result is resentment that grows because it is never addressed and the behavior continues.
Having Expectations. Never "should" on yourself, and never "should" on anyone else. Expectations are future resentments that have yet to be born. The problem with expectations is that they are built from assumptions. When you assume you know what your lover thinks, or believe you understand how they feel, you make a decision on how they should behave in response to you. You expect them to act a certain way based on some insane idea that they "should" know what you want or what you meant!
The result is that your hints about your birthday get missed. You assumed he got the message. Resentment comes on strong when your birthday passes without the gift you expected or even a card! Or you helped clean up after dinner and took the kids out of her hair, but were disappointed when she did not want to have the same romantic encounter that you were expecting! You are angry and resent trying to help out when she obviously doesn't care about your needs!
Luckily there is hope. If you can keep communication from breaking down in your marriage, you can avoid all resentments, even resentment stemming from issues of codependency and expectations. How do you keep communication from breaking down? You keep it honest and you keep it open.
Honest Communication. The trick to avoiding codependency traps is to say what you honestly mean and to mean what you honestly say. Keep healthy boundaries by only agreeing to do what you are comfortable with. Create a marriage that fosters honest communication by making communication safe. What makes an injury or disappointment turn into a resentment is the fact that the anger has been kept bottled up.
Marriages that last are couples who are able to clear the air. They are able to speak about what has made them angry and to have their feelings acknowledge in a kind way so that the negative feelings do not begin to pile up and multiply. When resentments are formed, and anger builds up, misunderstandings occur because unresolved hostilities affect our perception of things.
Good communication in a marriage is accomplished by speaking in ways that reduce defensiveness. Good communication requires a genuine respect for your partner. However please do not get discouraged by thinking that you will never get the respect back in your marriage. Behavior patterns can take time to change. The change starts when one of you keeps trying. Slowly, expected behaviors will fade. The kind politeness will be contagious. It will feel wonderful when honest comunication rebuilds what resentments threatened to destroy.
By paying attention to eye contact and tone of voice patterns that convey respect, you can be on your way to a marriage like the one those friends of yours have. The marriage that seems too good to be true. Their marriage thrives because they understand that two people do not need to agree, but they do need to each be heard and respected.
If resentments have taken your marriage to a place where honest communication can not occur, you and your spouse may be on a course for destruction. If, however, you are able to keep past injuries from piling up, by talking honestly about what bothers you, through a respectful exchange of words, you will embrace your years together and enjoy a long marriage that is free from destructive resentment.