First off...do not drink and drive. It is dangerous for you and more importantly other people on the road but if you do find yourself in this situation, remember this guide and it might just get you off the hook.

1. Do not have a drunken buddy in the back seat yelling, "Why you hassling us Fuzz?" or "Don't you have real criminals to chase?" If you think your friend might say one of these things it is advisable to knock him out with a discreet right hook before the Police Officer gets to your window.

2. Do not refer to the Police Officer as "monkey", "pig", "chief", "cowboy", or "hombre." Police Officers do not like to be called these things and you may find yourself having an "accident" before they cuff you and put you in the back of their car.

3. When the Police Officer asks you where you are coming from, do not say "your house, officer."

4. Do not go into a self-righteous rant about how you pay his salary with your tax dollars or he may explain how happy you should be he is doing his job so well on your way to jail.

5. Do not go into a long preachy sermon about God and forgiveness. Do not ask him "What would Jesus do?" and don't call them "brother" or "sister."

6. Do not cry and tell him your pet parakeet just died and you needed a few drinks. It is a scientific fact that Police Officers hate parakeets and will not take pity on you.

7. When the Police Officer approaches your window do not greet them by saying "I guess Dunkin Doughnuts is closed huh?" In this same vein, do not call them a "doughnut" or "donkey", they may not watch "Hell's Kitchen" and will not see the humor in it.

8. Do not open your door and pour your beer out right in front of their face and then claim, "I didn't do that" and "You can't prove it." Most Police vehicles are equipped with dashboard cameras just for special people like you.

9. Do not jump out of your vehicle flailing your arms and screaming "Bees...the bees AAHHH." First off it will likely not fool them and secondly, even though Police Officers do not like Parakeets they do like bees. Your antics might remind them about the disappearing honeybee problem and put them in a bad mood.

10. Do not drink and drive. Problem solved.

Learn more about this author, William Collins.
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