by Dolores Moore

Created on: May 21, 2009

It may sound trite, but the words from a prayer, "In the midst of life, we are in death" are so true. They mean that each and everyone of us will be called upon to deal with death as part of our lives. How we deal with it depends on many things, not least our perceptions of the meaning of death, which in turn stem from a great variety of sources. Though there are many ways for the individual to deal with death, looking at the sources of how you view it may help you to clarify how you deal with death.

For some people, death means the Grim Reaper, a fearful specter to be avoided at all costs. Maybe a childhood experience left you scared after witnessing a beloved grandparent wasting away to a painful death. Fearsome tales of skeletons, hell and devils can also influence your views on death. These often originate in religious traditions, bringing fear rather than comfort about the after life. The preaching of hellfire and damnation has a lot to answer for. The rational mind tries to overcome the illogical fears, and with help, can reach an acceptance of death. All of which takes time.

Death itself represents a fear of the unknown. Beliefs in Eternal Life, Heaven and Hell go some way to overcoming this fear; the truth is, nobody knows what happens to the essence of self after death. When somebody close dies, all the old ideas, emotions and beliefs, or lack of them, come rushing in, along with fear of that unknown and we are in a state of trauma. How you deal with death can be likened to the Trauma Cycle and this process will happen, no matter what views you hold about death. The stages are as follows:

SHOCK/DISBELIEF: Whether a loved one's death is sudden or expected, the death itself still affects us all with these emotions.

DENIAL/OPTIMISM: Some of us will try to tell ourselves it did not happen; some will say it was for the best. But this is a stage we use to help us come to terms with the facts of loss through death. We do not want to believe it is permanent.

ANGER/UPSET: You may be angry at fate, God, the dead person. They have left you, what will you do now? Tears and inconsolable grief, tinged with angry denials then manifest themselves.

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY: Once you realize that the person is dead, that you may never see, hold, touch or speak with them again, a deep sadness arrives, coupled with anxiety and remorse. You ask yourself why you did not do more for them when they were alive, and you wonder how you can go on without

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