poorly, because they have not had experience setting respectful boundaries for themselves. Being assertive is something they have been trained to avoid. Rather, they are accustomed to reading nonverbal cues and they are practiced at interpreting the feelings of others. Being a caregiver is a way to reduce anxiety and a way to control.

People who are not codependent are people who know where they end, and another person begins. People who are codependent have feelings that are subject to the feelings of someone else. If Alyson's husband is unhappy with her, she will be depressed until they are getting along again.

Alyson wants to control things in her marriage. She has anxiety that she developed as a child who could not trust the adults in her life to keep a safe and consistent environment. She's insecure and clingy. She will not have her own hobbies. She looked to her husband for his opinion before making a decision. She expects to be included in every decision her husband makes. She often insists on controlling things in the marriage, even when she lacks the ability to be effective. Being in a relationship means that Alyson has to feel needed.

Low Self Esteem. Codependent children grow to become adults who cannot make decisions. They engage in self-talk that critiques everything they do as not good enough. They do not feel worthy of compliments or gifts. The do not let other people know what they need. They do not allow others to meet their needs. They do not let anyone know what they want unless it is in a passive way that appears to be unselfish but that really is an attempt to manipulate the feelings of another. They do not believe they are worthy of being loved.

Alyson's own children are at risk of being the other type of codependent child. This child is the one who is not allowed to do anything for himself. The parent does things for the child, even when the child is old enough to do these things on his own. The result is that they develop a learned sense of helplessness.

Codependent children can be found with those who practice attachment parenting.. A woman who believes in attachment parenting is challenged to succeed at recommendations such as breast feeding. The mother experiences guilt when she is not able to breastfeed. She believes she would be failing is she gave her daughter a cup or a bottle. The mother reports that her daughter becomes depressed when breastfeeding is denied. This mother does not realize that it is her own response to the depressing guilt, of failing to live up to self imposed parenting standards, that causes her daughter to respond with depression to mother's depression.

When grown, both of these adults will be different types of codependents. One is going to be controlling and act like a parent to their spouse. The other type of codependent will agree to requests despite personal discomfort.

The first is aggressive and does not respect their spouse as being capable to do for their self. The second is passive and does not respect personal needs, by letting people walk on them. They need agreement so they avoid conflict at all cost, because if things are not right in the relationship, emotional crisis results. Three characteristics that will describe every codependent, however, are (1) a need to control, (2) a pattern of too-compliant behavior, and (3) a low level of self-esteem.

Learn more about this author, Corinna Craddock.
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