Is codependency in youngsters a sign of their need to be loved? This is an interesting question, with a very complex answer. Any discussion of codependency is going to involve many layers of understanding.
Codependency in children does mean that they need love. All children need love. More specifically, however, codependent children have not been loved the right way by the adults in their life. A codependent child has not been getting the right kind of love.
Characteristics of Codependent Children. What does codependency between a parent and a child look like? There are different types of parent-child relationships that become codependent. At the heart of every codependent relationship, is the absence of healthy boundaries. Characteristics of codependent children are traits associated with (1) a need to control, (2) a pattern of too-compliant behavior, and (3) a low level of self-esteem.
Alyson and Her Mother. Alyson is one type of codependent child. As a child, she was expected to "pick up the slack" for the adults in her family. There were not boundaries that separated adult obligations from what should have been her normal childhood responsibilities. Her responsibilities were not appropriate for her age. Children like Alyson, might be seen taking care of a mom who is passed out after partying. Like one little kitten, frantically trying to keep the rest of the litter together for a neglectful mother cat. This child grows up having to worry constantly about the parent, when the reverse should be the case.
It is more than just the switching of responsibility, roles and concern, however. This type of parent-child relationship is shaped by the child's power to control the emotions of the adult. The child becomes an enabler for the parent who can't get it together. The parent's happiness is achieved when the child meets the needs of the parent. The child may enable the adult's destructive behavior by lying for the parent or by getting money, alcohol or drugs needed by the parent to feel better. Alyson enabled her mother by doing errands and chores when her mother failed to do so, and by parenting younger siblings.
Alyson was a parentified child. As she matures, she shows a pattern of controlling behavior.
Needing Control. As an adult with her own family, Alyson will treat other members of her family as if they are not capable of taking care of themselves. She had to watch over her parents, so she must be the one capable to do what others around her would fail at. She was a bossy child who has grown to become a woman who often tells others what they should think and do. She offers help without being asked, and she resents anyone who does not accept help from her. She gives advice without being asked. She uses sex as a way to gain acceptance.
Alyson's mother experienced a darker cause of codependency, sexual molestation. Alyson's mother was codependent before Alyson was born. Her mother was raped by her grandfather. In her mother's case, the adult abuser demanded that the child become willing to take responsibility for the moods and feelings of the adult. The child was forced to assume the same feelings as the adult. A sexually abused child is also made to feel responsible for the adult's ability to be happy, when the adult demands sexual favors from the child.
Her mother was often depressed. If Alyson's mom was sad one day, Alyson would be sad. If her mother was happy, Alyson was happy. If something made her mother angry, Alyson thought her mood had to change also. Alyson had no concept of how to live in her own family group as an adult, because she did not know how to keep her feelings from affecting the rest of her group. Likewise, if her husband was upset, Alyson did not have the ability to keep her own mood from changing to match her husbands. Conflicts were many, because when she was upset, she upset everyone else. When someone else was upset, Alyson did not realize that she did not have to be upset also.
Overly Compliant. Both Alyson and her mother will exhibit patterns of compliant behavior in relationships. They will accept sex when they want love. They are affected by the way people around them are feeling. They feel the same way their partner does. They will stay loyal to relationships even when they are at risk of harm. They will respect the wishes and needs of others more than they respect their own wants and needs. They will dismiss their own feelings and opinions if they are in conflict with someone else. They do not have their own hobbies because they focus on the interests of their partner.
With a high tolerance for inappropriate boundaries in life, codependent children often allow themselves to be in risky situations. They are more likely to use drugs. More likely to become addicts. They are more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships, again, due to lack of healthy limits as to what is acceptable behavior. Codependent children grow to become adults who tolerate being treated poorly, because they have not had experience setting respectful boundaries for themselves. Being assertive is something they have been trained to avoid. Rather, they are accustomed to reading nonverbal cues and they are practiced at interpreting the feelings of others. Being a caregiver is a way to reduce anxiety and a way to control.
People who are not codependent are people who know where they end, and another person begins. People who are codependent have feelings that are subject to the feelings of someone else. If Alyson's husband is unhappy with her, she will be depressed until they are getting along again.
Alyson wants to control things in her marriage. She has anxiety that she developed as a child who could not trust the adults in her life to keep a safe and consistent environment. She's insecure and clingy. She will not have her own hobbies. She looked to her husband for his opinion before making a decision. She expects to be included in every decision her husband makes. She often insists on controlling things in the marriage, even when she lacks the ability to be effective. Being in a relationship means that Alyson has to feel needed.
Low Self Esteem. Codependent children grow to become adults who cannot make decisions. They engage in self-talk that critiques everything they do as not good enough. They do not feel worthy of compliments or gifts. The do not let other people know what they need. They do not allow others to meet their needs. They do not let anyone know what they want unless it is in a passive way that appears to be unselfish but that really is an attempt to manipulate the feelings of another. They do not believe they are worthy of being loved.
Alyson's own children are at risk of being the other type of codependent child. This child is the one who is not allowed to do anything for himself. The parent does things for the child, even when the child is old enough to do these things on his own. The result is that they develop a learned sense of helplessness.
Codependent children can be found with those who practice attachment parenting.. A woman who believes in attachment parenting is challenged to succeed at recommendations such as breast feeding. The mother experiences guilt when she is not able to breastfeed. She believes she would be failing is she gave her daughter a cup or a bottle. The mother reports that her daughter becomes depressed when breastfeeding is denied. This mother does not realize that it is her own response to the depressing guilt, of failing to live up to self imposed parenting standards, that causes her daughter to respond with depression to mother's depression.
When grown, both of these adults will be different types of codependents. One is going to be controlling and act like a parent to their spouse. The other type of codependent will agree to requests despite personal discomfort.
The first is aggressive and does not respect their spouse as being capable to do for their self. The second is passive and does not respect personal needs, by letting people walk on them. They need agreement so they avoid conflict at all cost, because if things are not right in the relationship, emotional crisis results. Three characteristics that will describe every codependent, however, are (1) a need to control, (2) a pattern of too-compliant behavior, and (3) a low level of self-esteem.