by Corinna Craddock

Created on: May 21, 2009

Is codependency in youngsters a sign of their need to be loved? This is an interesting question, with a very complex answer. Any discussion of codependency is going to involve many layers of understanding.

Codependency in children does mean that they need love. All children need love. More specifically, however, codependent children have not been loved the right way by the adults in their life. A codependent child has not been getting the right kind of love.

Characteristics of Codependent Children. What does codependency between a parent and a child look like? There are different types of parent-child relationships that become codependent. At the heart of every codependent relationship, is the absence of healthy boundaries. Characteristics of codependent children are traits associated with (1) a need to control, (2) a pattern of too-compliant behavior, and (3) a low level of self-esteem.

Alyson and Her Mother. Alyson is one type of codependent child. As a child, she was expected to "pick up the slack" for the adults in her family. There were not boundaries that separated adult obligations from what should have been her normal childhood responsibilities. Her responsibilities were not appropriate for her age. Children like Alyson, might be seen taking care of a mom who is passed out after partying. Like one little kitten, frantically trying to keep the rest of the litter together for a neglectful mother cat. This child grows up having to worry constantly about the parent, when the reverse should be the case.

It is more than just the switching of responsibility, roles and concern, however. This type of parent-child relationship is shaped by the child's power to control the emotions of the adult. The child becomes an enabler for the parent who can't get it together. The parent's happiness is achieved when the child meets the needs of the parent. The child may enable the adult's destructive behavior by lying for the parent or by getting money, alcohol or drugs needed by the parent to feel better. Alyson enabled her mother by doing errands and chores when her mother failed to do so, and by parenting younger siblings.

Alyson was a parentified child. As she matures, she shows a pattern of controlling behavior.

Needing Control. As an adult with her own family, Alyson will treat other members of her family as if they are not capable of taking care of themselves. She had to watch over her parents, so she must be the one capable to do what others around her would

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