by Elaine Sihera

Created on: May 21, 2009

Why focusing on looks in women causes many men to get hurt!

Most men with whom I get into any kind of conversation around dating and relationships appear keen to boast about one thing: that men are very 'visual' in looking for a partner. Looks matter a lot to them, they stress. They wouldn't date an ugly woman, no sirree! She has to be 'slim' and 'good looking'. Those on dating sites usually add how they have to see a picture of the woman first and, if none is there, they don't even reply to any approaches.

Personally, I am sad at the number of times men have just looked at my pictures and want to date me without taking any time to read what I wrote or to engage me in conversation. So, after countless reminders that looks in a woman are paramount to a man, which would also explain many of the 'trophy' relationships in vogue, it got me thinking about the whole business of dating and how this limited way of selection is particularly fraught with danger for men. Though looks count for most women too, their top priority is emotionality. They care about how the guy will relate to them in a caring and valued way.

The bottom line is, if a man puts looks as his top priority in selecting a woman, he is really paying attention to only 25% of that person. He would be basing an assessment of her value on just 25% of the package and projecting a possible partnership on 25% of the potential. Not surprisingly, as the other 75% is not engaged at the beginning, but tends to be gradually revealed, often giving some nasty surprises in the process, there would be much heartache later on. Though beauty is the top priority for most men, a beautiful or good looking woman presents only 25% of a possible relationship with those looks, the purely physical element. The other three elements are: PERSONALITY, INTELLECT and EMOTIONALITY.

PERSONALITY: The kind of personality we have is essential in a relationship: whether we are moody, happy, zippy, able to laugh easily, morose, repressed, expressive, friendly, approachable, detached, remote, cold, warm or distant. All those are very important to the other partner. What is the point of having a beautiful woman if she is going to be moody morning, noon and night? What is the point of having someone who is cold and distant when the other party is very loving? One guy said that a 'stunning' woman he had dated for a while suddenly stood up while they were having dinner in a hotel, and shouted very loudly that she didn't know what she was doing there

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