by Ashley Sickler

Created on: May 20, 2009

He had nothing but the very thing I wanted in the world. Our son, our beautiful son. And after all those months of feeling like the walking dead I had escaped. But I had escaped without the thing I love most. He's beautiful blue eyes, his voice when he'd call me, "Mommy" and smile contentedly.

I knew from the moment I heard his heartbeat inside me he was mine. I felt this electric connection I had never felt in my whole life. And now it was missing. In its place is an emptiness that embraces my heart. But I'm convincing myself I am okay.

The father. I loved him at one time. A deep worship-filled love. I preferred the worst of him, until it overcame him and drove me away. Nothing I did pleased him. I was never good enough. How could that not drive me into hatred of myself? My son was my only sanity. My lifeline. My love. And the man I love just kept disappointing me. He drove me with his hands to feel like a walking dead woman. The bruises lay mostly on my heart, wondering how I could be any better than I was doing. Finally I was driven to show no emotion but sadness. Something died and my need to escape drove me to do very foolish things.

One was to finally take my flight. Run away to family. The other was to be talked into leaving my son. Again convinced of my incompetence from my depression. How could I be a good mother on my own when my life revolved around trying to make it from room to room without sitting on the floor, without shedding a tear?

When I left and was away everything became clear. I felt myself returning. That person I used to like. I realized I was okay and could be a mother again. I saw I didn't have to listen to him tear me down any longer. But there it was a battle would ensue. Both of us wanted that bundle of joy wrapped in a 2-yr-old body. Neither of us were willing to cave. Who would the little one was perfection. Absolute perfection.

All I need him to know is Mommy wants him. Mommy cries thinking about him being so far away. I'm learning to function without him, but I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could give him his bath, kiss him goodnight and tuck him in, listen to his little voice pray over the food, even his precious giggle. I was with him everyday of his life and now that's gone. For now. But one day I will have him again. And this hole in my heart, this missing piece of my puzzle, will be filled again. I will be happy and contented knowing he's all mine again.

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