by Melissa A.F.

Created on: May 19, 2009

Nobody wants to get hurt and that is why people are afraid to allow love into their lives. When you open yourself up to someone completely and let them break down all the walls you have built around yourself, it can be extremely scary and difficult to allow. Those walls were built up for a reason, usually because you have had your heart broken once, twice, or a couple hundred times depending on your history.

Like it or not, our past relationships leave their mark on our hearts and while nobody wants to bring their past into their present, the damage that has been done can certainly hinder one's ability to be able to love openly. Once you admit you are in love with someone, you are immediately vulnerable. You are letting this person into your heart and that heart has been hurt previously. Maybe it has been so long since you last loved someone that you almost fool yourself into believing that being alone without all the drama love can bring is better than taking the plunge and letting someone in. Why bother? Who needs the awkwardness of first dates and the effort of getting to know someone new?

I was one of those people who was beginning to believe that being alone was better than being with someone. I had a few long term relationships that in the end proved to be nothing but heartache and wasted time. About six years ago, an important male figure in my life violated me in a way that a woman should never have to deal with and the little faith I had in men was destroyed. I tried to work through it but I am still not over the pain and trauma that this man inflicted upon me. Talk about being afraid to love. This was someone who I adored since I was ten years old and one of the only men in my life I truly felt I could trust. That trust was shattered in a moment. My ability to trust and love was shaken to the core.

About a year and a half ago I found myself single, truly single for the first time in over 7 years. After a little more than a year of dating a string of losers and not having any real feelings for anyone, I thought that I was pretty much done with dating. What was the point? I did not like anyone and further more I kind of found myself not wanting to like anyone. I was secretly happy when I had no chemistry with a date. That meant I did not have to open myself up to someone only to get fooled again. It was easier. Lonely, but easier.

Then I met someone who was not just another someone. Don't get me wrong, I did not go into it openly. In fact, I warned him repeatedly that I never like anyone. I set him up for the scenario that I had come to live by: Date, dislike, discard. It was working for me. However, something changed when he came into my life and now at the present time I find myself in a relationship and yes, in love. Don't get me wrong, I am still afraid to love. In fact, I keep waiting for the big let down. When is he going to turn into a jerk, when is this feeling going to end only to be replaced by severe disappointment, when am I going to be back at square one?

It is easy to let fear take over your ability to love. I do not know if I will ever be able to love without fear, but all I know is I have to try. Real love is something everyone deserves and it is worth fighting fear for.

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