by Sandra Olson

Created on: May 19, 2009

Certainly a tribute to first love is special. A person's first love, however, is not always to be considered in the sense of adult attachment, elementary school puppy love or teen angst. A person's first love is him/herself. When we are infants, we can consider nothing beyond ourselves. We are the center of the universe; there is no doubt. Our comfort, our security, our feelings of care and belonging are all that matter. When the infant is born and up until even school age, the egocentric nature of the human animal makes that individual's needs paramount. It's simply too much to consider others on for any length of time and certainly not when 'important' matters are concerned. From the cry of hunger and the resulting satisfaction of breast or bottle, a child truly believes that the world exists for his or her comfort and needs. Wetness, pain, boredom or isolation all give way to demands that someone sooth us. So, of course, while the child can feel affection, connectedness, and, even love, for those who care for him or her, the main love object of life is self. We know there are so many kinds of love and self-love comes first. Why else would a toddler demands her own way and throw a fit if it's not satisfied even when she knows it will distress others? Why would a pre-schooler insist that his toys are HIS and not to be shared except as he chooses although his parents have stressed sharing. Why would a parent wonder that their son or daughter just doesn't seem to care about siblings, peers or adults when his or her needs aren't being met when equality is what they are teaching. It's simply because, until ego strength is developed, a human cannot consider others to any great extent. All this leaves the mystery of how the process comes about that we can reach out beyond ourselves to love others as we mature. If we don't receive the ongoing and nurturing acceptance as a child we may need to play 'catch up' as an adult to allow us to reach out to others and not feel threatened that we will lose our place in the great scheme of things.

Our love of self is nurtured, hopefully, by parents or other caregivers who let us know we are valued, cherished and loved. When that happens on a consistant basis, our selfish love can begin to give way to the understanding that we don't have to have every need met immediately, we don't have to have every wish granted at once and we aren't the only person in the world who matters. While we can then invite others into our circle of affection, it's not until almost adolescence that we can actually put ourselves second and extend unconditonal love to others without it feeling that we are somehow cheating ourselves. Our first loves are often things that don't challange us and who love us back no matter how we act. Our pets...they are always glad to see us even if we just scolded them for something. Our special toys too; who else would wait on a bed all day for us to remember them and come to give them a hug?

First love is not as straightforward as the boy who took us to our first prom or the girl who let us kiss her after the football game. It's not as simple as our first date or our first sexual partner. Sometimes that actually happens and it's beautiful; enduring love that arrives early in life. Other times we really DO need to kiss a lot of toads. But self-love, after it has achieved the mature and healthy balance, is always there, always supportive, always something to lean on. Not egocentric any longer not exclusive of other humans but open and kind and understanding that, yes, we ARE important.

Learn more about this author, Sandra Olson.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.