by Brian Williams

Created on: May 17, 2009   Last Updated: May 19, 2009

Hockey is the most sexually charged game in pro sports. Big men with long sticks are praised for having soft hands, hitting hard, banging in the corners, and stuffing one in the crease. Plus it has the word puck. And media analysts wonder why NHL audiences are 70% female.

If you're new to the game, or wonder why your TV golf viewing gets ousted in favor of people going after Stanley's Cup, here's the skinny: hockey is the greatest sport known to the civilized world. Not because of all the innuendo, though; sophomoric humor only carries a sport so far. Hockey's over 100 years old, fer cryin' out loud. It exists because other sports have borrowed heavily from its formula. It possesses football's hitting, soccer's team play, baseball's reverence for self history, and boxing's haymakers. What's not to love?

Game play wise, the object is to whack the puck into the net past the goalie. There's a bunch of rules regarding doing just that, but all one really has to know is that pucks can't be kicked, thrown, or head-butted into the net intentionally. Also, icing has nothing to do with pastries. See that red line that runs behind the net? The other team can't just shoot it down into the opponents end all the time without consequences; when icing is called, there's a face-off back in the shooting team's zone (FYI: that's not a good idea). Although if you're playing with a man down on a penalty kill situation (when a team has a player sitting in the box, the hockey equivalent to a basketball foul) then it's advisable. Regarding penalties, skating into a guy (known as checking) is OK but only to an extent; slamming into anyone and everyone wearing a different jersey than you is a no-no. Fighting, forever the great debate among fans and purists, is NOT done out of anger like in baseball or basketball. Fights happen between guys to send a message to each team, and usually the guys pounding on each other have no hard feelings toward each other. Each guy has to sit or gets kicked out of the game for a bit for getting into a scruff, though.

There's 30 teams in the NHL, only five of which are Canadian (blame money, not the Canadian people, for that fact) and are housed in arenas from The Great White North to the Sunshine State. The Montreal Canadiens are the oldest team and have the most Stanley Cup wins, and were among five other teams that decided to make a league of it several decades ago. The others were the Detroit Red Wings, New York Rangers, Boston Bruins, Chicago Blackhawks, and the Toronto Maple Leafs (no, not leaves like you grammar Nazi's would like). While the NHL is the primo place for players to skate their stuff, the Euro leagues command some impressive attendance numbers, and many a NHL player looking for work has headed east.

Watching hockey on the tube (which you should) or at the rink (which you should) requires some quick eyes, as you're just as engaged in following the puck as the guys on the ice are. Tip: wherever the most movement is, so goes the puck. But when guys are cranking out slapshots in excess of 100mph, don't bother trying to watch the puck, just watch where it's headed. As a newbie, just pay attention that's the best way to get a grasp on the game.

Hockey is the fastest team sport on two skates, but like all sports, it needs support in order to grow (it'll always thrive in some fashion). Being new to the sport takes some dedication, but as any fan can attest, a bite by the puck bug leaves a lasting mark.

So get bit.

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