Sisters, aunts, daughters, mothers. For as many different kinds of woman as there are, you will find representatives from every group that have married a man in prison. Young and old, rich and poor, working and unemployed, pretty and mousy; there are women from all walks of life who have come into contact somehow with men who are incarcerated and have made the decision to step from friend or penpal, to wife.
Everyone else looking on, will fall into one of two thought camps. There will be those who think the woman has low self-esteem, is probably a habitual victim and feels some kind of safety in her restricted relationship. Then there will be those who agree that these women are the compassionate heart of the nation, who reach out to those no one else will think of, who are strong in the face of adversity, and who carry themselves with dignity and poise. Rarely is there a middle ground with this question.
There are many women who marry their man before he goes to prison. Many stay the course, remain faithful to their vows, and carry on together once the man goes home. Things may not be trouble-free, but their marriage survives. These women are often given the well-meaning advice to leave their husbands behind and move on. If they choose not to, they are not ridiculed in quite the way that prison brides are.
The concern shown for the existing wives and new brides is often born out of an ignorance of what an inmate actually is, and how the life of the couple will be from that day onwards. For the handful of high profile cases in the media, there are literally thousands of inmates who are not violent, are not serving time for violent crimes, do not get into trouble while in prison, and who make the changes necessary in their behaviour while incarcerated to diminish the probability that they will return to prison one day. But those stories do not sell newspapers. The media loves a good juicy tale of a mild mannered librarian who gets involved with a dangerous felon, only to be abandoned, hurt, or worse; the media likes to tell us when things are going wrong, but where are the success stories?
The divorce rate in the US is roughly 40%. Given that this includes all marriages, no matter what your circumstances, chances of staying together is slightly in your favour whether both spouses are in the free world or not. Everyone knows of divorced couples where neither have been in prison. So the assertion that a marriage will fail just because one of the couple is incarcerated, by itself, is not valid. The biggest obstacle faced by couples when one is incarcerated is the lack of privacy, for obvious security reasons, and the financial strain of taking on the support of two people based on just one income. Still, the financial issue can also apply to free world marriages, so that again in itself is not a valid reason to ridicule a woman's decision to marry an inmate.
There are common questions asked of prison brides such as "do you get conjugal visits?", "what did he do?", "is he on death row?", "when does he get out?", and "why are you putting your life on hold for someone like that?". People seem to feel that they have permission to ask more direct questions of a prison bride than they might otherwise ask of a friend marrying a free world man. This could be down to the media spoon-feeding the masses the concept that all inmates are mad, bad and dangerous to know. It could also be that as society's taxes go towards keeping the inmates where they are, the public have acquired a sense of ownership over them and feel no sense of intrusion into any marriage they might have.
To answer those questions simply, access to conjugal visits is uncommon in America. Of the 5 states that have the possibility actually on their statutes, only 3 currently permit them to take place, and those under very strict criteria. There is a school of thought that believes extending conjugal, or family (as many use this time to interact with their parents and siblings, as well as spouses and children), visits is a useful tool in offender behaviour management and goes some way to maintain children's relationships with their incarcerated parents. Most, however, believe they are a luxury that inmates should not have. Little thought is ever given to whether the spouse might want or need the "luxury" as well.
The group of 3 questions above relating to the inmate's crime and sentence, seem to satisfy a need for entertainment from the situation as much as showing any concern for the bride. There is almost always the implication that the questioner would prefer the responses to be as graphic and horrific as possible. Usually, they are disappointed.
The final question that is commonly asked, is why the woman would "put her life on hold" for a man in prison. Again, through stereotypes and media misinformation, the public has an image of a prison wife that is often totally at odds with the reality. How can anyone put their life "on hold"? No one can just spend their days sitting and waiting for something, and then one day start living again as if nothing has happened in between. To organise a wedding when one of the couple is in prison takes a reasonable amount of knowledge, commitment and often money as well. It is not a question of just going down to the local courthouse on a whim and signing the papers.
Many inmates do not have the opportunity to earn any money in prison, and of those who do, most can only afford to support themselves and not a spouse or any step children they may accumulate. The prison bride knows this; she knows that she must remain an independent woman and fund her own life, and often that of her husband too. You will find prison brides working in every conceivable occupation, keeping their heads above financially turbulent water, and often working 2 or more jobs, just as many free world couples do. Do women who divorce when their children are young sit around "putting their life on hold"? Many women who marry inmates are older and have children, and already have an established routine that involves sleepovers, soccer teams, camping and daycare. Marrying an inmate generally does not effect these activities at all; the woman will fit visitation with her husband into her already full life.
For those who have older or no children, travel often becomes a new experience. Whether it be visiting the area around the prison, or traveling to new places in order to "live for 2", rarely will you find a prison wife sitting around watching as life passes her by. Many use the time until their husband's release or parole to go to college and improve their education or skills, and encourage their spouses to do the same if the opportunities are available in prison.
Any kind of woman can, and does, marry a man behind bars. You may work with one, or sit next to one in church and not even know it. The only difference between a prison bride and a conventional bride is that the prison bride has to wait for her honeymoon.