Our society loves to simplify the complex - give me the five things I need to do to make my marriage last. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, it isn't always that simple. However, based on my own experience in a marriage of nearly 25 years, as well as my work with other couples, I believe there are three general principles that, when remembered on a frequent basis, can help your marriage survive a lifetime.
These three principles are based on a simple premise. That if we feel "satisfied" with the marriage, it will last. And the experience of satisfaction in marriage is a direct result of two things: our spouse's performance as compared to our expectations for our spouse. I call this the marriage equation - satisfaction equals performance divided by expectation. The closer our spouse's performance is to our expectations for our spouse, the greater will be our experience of satisfaction. The following three principles address performance and expectations.
First principle: Be constantly vigilant at replacing negative thoughts about your spouse with positive thoughts. Our perception of how our spouse is performing (the numerator of the marriage equation) will always be colored through the lens of our own viewpoint. And negative thinking about our spouse causes that lens to become clouded. However, every person has the ability to control his or her thoughts. Think back to when you were courting your spouse. You spent most, if not all, of your time thinking about his or her positive characteristics. The negative characteristics were there (we all have them), but you didn't spend any time dwelling on them. Once we're married, for some reason, many of us begin to spend more and more time thinking about the negative characteristics. I believe a big part of this is societal. We live in a society that, for some reason, thinks it's "hip" to criticize your spouse. In any event, negative thinking about our spouse greatly impacts our experience of satisfaction in the marriage.
This really is not a difficult concept to employ. It simply takes intentionality. Make a commitment to yourself that each day you will do your best to be aware of how you are thinking about your spouse. Any time you become aware of thinking negatively about your spouse, choose instead, in your mind, to think something positive about your spouse. Over time, you will begin to perceive your spouse's performance in a more positive light.
The second principle also affects how you perceive your spouse's performance. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it is simply this - concentrate on improving your own performance in the marriage not your spouse's. I'm reminded here of words that many of us who grew up with brothers or sisters probably remember our mom saying to us when we "tattled" on our siblings. My mom would often say something like this, "Don't worry about your brother, you just pay attention to yourself." Mom's suggestion applies equally to marriage.
You see, the more time and energy we spend studying our spouse and trying to figure out how we can communicate value and love to them, the less time and energy we have to analyze the ways in which our spouse is not meeting our needs. And you'll find an odd dynamic begin to happen here. The more you work at meeting your spouse's needs, the more satisfied you'll become with your marriage. This simply reflects that our basic human nature was actually created to serve others, not simply receive from others. As we serve, we experience satisfaction. We also perceive how our spouse is performing more positively, thus moving performance in the marriage equation closer to expectation.
The final principle goes to the denominator of the marriage equation, expectation. It is simply this: forgive your spouse quickly, freely and frequently. I am often ashamed at how high of a standard I hold for my wife, especially in areas where I don't do particularly well. While being unwilling to extend grace to her when she fails, I fail to see my own failures in the same areas time and time again.
Having a realistic view of myself, including my own faults, flaws and failures, allows me to extend grace to my wife in her areas of weakness. We all have our "issues". Failing to extend grace and forgiveness to another person, especially our spouse, ignores this reality and says, in effect, I am perfect and I expect you to be perfect too. However, if I am able to constantly be honest with myself about my own failures and flaws, I'll be much more willing to extend forgiveness to my wife. And as I see both of us as fallen and flawed human beings, trying to do our best but not always achieving that, my expectations for my spouse will be much more realistic, and actually much closer to her actual performance, thereby increasing my experience of satisfaction in the marriage.
So the three principles again: 1) Be constantly vigilant at replacing negative thoughts about your spouse with positive thoughts; 2) Concentrate on improving your own performance in the marriage not your spouse's; and 3) Forgive your spouse quickly, freely and frequently.
Finally, a disclaimer. These principles are not magic - you can't just wave them at your spouse and expect the marriage to thrive. The bottom line is that if you want a satisfying marriage it will take work. Marriage is like any other physical system in our universe - without the application of energy, it will decay. Of course, we want to apply that energy in the right areas, and I believe these three principles are the most fruitful areas for application of energy to a marriage that will help it survive.