by Brian Peters

Created on: May 17, 2009

Our society loves to simplify the complex - give me the five things I need to do to make my marriage last. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, it isn't always that simple. However, based on my own experience in a marriage of nearly 25 years, as well as my work with other couples, I believe there are three general principles that, when remembered on a frequent basis, can help your marriage survive a lifetime.

These three principles are based on a simple premise. That if we feel "satisfied" with the marriage, it will last. And the experience of satisfaction in marriage is a direct result of two things: our spouse's performance as compared to our expectations for our spouse. I call this the marriage equation - satisfaction equals performance divided by expectation. The closer our spouse's performance is to our expectations for our spouse, the greater will be our experience of satisfaction. The following three principles address performance and expectations.

First principle: Be constantly vigilant at replacing negative thoughts about your spouse with positive thoughts. Our perception of how our spouse is performing (the numerator of the marriage equation) will always be colored through the lens of our own viewpoint. And negative thinking about our spouse causes that lens to become clouded. However, every person has the ability to control his or her thoughts. Think back to when you were courting your spouse. You spent most, if not all, of your time thinking about his or her positive characteristics. The negative characteristics were there (we all have them), but you didn't spend any time dwelling on them. Once we're married, for some reason, many of us begin to spend more and more time thinking about the negative characteristics. I believe a big part of this is societal. We live in a society that, for some reason, thinks it's "hip" to criticize your spouse. In any event, negative thinking about our spouse greatly impacts our experience of satisfaction in the marriage.

This really is not a difficult concept to employ. It simply takes intentionality. Make a commitment to yourself that each day you will do your best to be aware of how you are thinking about your spouse. Any time you become aware of thinking negatively about your spouse, choose instead, in your mind, to think something positive about your spouse. Over time, you will begin to perceive your spouse's performance in a more positive light.

The second principle also affects

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