by Xavior Chaos

Created on: May 17, 2009

This is my first time posting to any site like this, however the subject matter being discussed was too intriguing to pass up. I am mentally ill. I am currently diagnosed with "Borderline Personality Disorder". Through my adolescent years I was diagnosed as schitzoeffective disorder mixed type. Needless to say I have worn various labels throughout my life.

I have never claimed to be a genius nor have I ever claimed to be truly insane. I do however realize that I am different than most. Particularly with the depth of my thought process. This is most apparent in my dating relationships. I observe and calculate virtually every action of my partner. No matter who she is at the time I love her. My disorder is generally focused on relationships. I am not a writer by most standards, however I do have an almost inherent ability to compose poetry and to calculate the most likely actions the average individual will make during a given scenario.

I am on the inside what most would probably refer to as "every woman's dream". I am a hopeless romantic who enjoys the benefits of dark stormy nights and a candle lit room. I pay attention to every word that falls from the lips of my partner. I can tell her things about her life that she has never told a soul, even me. Yet there is a down side. When she says something that contradicts an earlier statement my mind obsesses over it. I try to dissect it a thousand and one different ways in an attempt to figure out whether it was simply an error in her earlier explanation. Or a blatant lie. I often wonder why I was built this way. It would be wonderful if I could put my mind to good use. Relationships have too many variables to maintain focus on. They are most often dependent on another individual.

Either way, I live my life with the cards I have been dealt. I often say "Then the lunatics run the asylum the sane man is abnormal." This is my philosophy on mental illness. The "majority" dictates the difference between sanity and insanity. If people like myself were the majority, the world would be a very different place.

I am 28 years old (Chronologically) yet I am 52 years old mentally. Relationships tend to crumble under such a time gap. My current girlfriend is 28 years old (Chronologically) and about 16 mentally. At least by my standards. To be honest most women my age fall into that category. Genius or insanity? Einstein could not tie his own shoe laces, yet he gifted us with the theory of relativity. Go figure. Genius or insanity? My son is 7 and can tie his own shoes, who is the real genius? I guess it depends on the angle of life's lens.

If anyone ever truly wishes to understand the mind of the "not so sane" I have a myspace page with some of my poetry in the blog section. xaviorchaos is my alter-ego. Seek me out if you wish.

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