by Joseph Coleman

Created on: May 15, 2009   Last Updated: April 18, 2011

Ah, vacation in New England, where the Patriots are falling like leaves in the Autumn breezes. In New England, everything is the same as it is here in Burlington, Iowa. The trees, the water, the hiking, the babes, ooooh, the babes! But New England has something else, and we want it bad! You have the Boston Red Sax (that's my New England accent), evil nemesis of the St Louis Cardinals.

I'd really love to go see a Boston Red Sox game, at Fenway Park, one of the last real ballparks left. It's only right for the Chicago Cubs and the Red Sox play in the World Series. They're the only teams with their original ballparks. That would be kismet, serendipity, retribution maybe? For the Cubs, it would be a devine revelation! The heck with the Cubs, we want 'em , and we want 'em bad, man!

And, who knows what might happen the next time the St Louis Cardinals come to Boston. You know, in 2004, the Red Sox beat our silly, little, frilly pants off, in the World Series 4 games to 0! We hardly got a single run. That's not very nice, Boston! We're not very happy about that in St Louis. We're not happy at all! We want our pound of flesh, our retaliation, our vengeance, our silly, little, frilly pants back, you red devils! You can bet your beans that if we get another shot at the Red Sox, in "the dream", we'll set Fenway on fire with our scorching line drives, and flaming fast balls! We'll turn Fenway into a Wal-Mart! We'll beat the Red Sox so bad, that Catholics will turn Baptist! We'll own Poppie! We'll turn him into poopie! Boston, we're comin' for you, and it ain't gonna be pretty!

We'll turn the Vanderbilts into the Hatfields, and th Kennedys into the McCoys! You people, take your New England vacations in October, and come see the blood bath of the century! We'll turn their faces red, and their Sox white, oh that's already been done! We'll turn their Sox yellow, like the dirty yellow Dogs they are! Gee, do I sound bitter?

Seriously, my sister lives in Connecticut. I think New England is a very special, beautiful place. You have the Ocean views, the lighthouses, the "quaint little villages here and there". You have History! Isn't that big-ass ship from the revolution over there? Yes, yes, New England is a beautiful place, especially in the Fall, when the trees burst into flames. Yes, especially in the Fall...like October! When the St Louis Cardinals will knock the jocks off the Boston Red Sax! Then, we'll pahk the cah, we'll go to the bah, and have a beah, for New England's host clowns, the Boston Red Sax! I'm sorry, I just can't help myself!

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