by SepiaTones

Created on: May 15, 2009

While I understand that shopping is a necessary evil, I happen to consider shopping for clothing and the quest to stay in fashion among the nastiest forms of societal torture.

I spent this morning sorting out my closet and stacking the clothes that I cannot bring myself to wear anymore. It should be noted that this is a very scientific process:

There is the "too large" pile. The "too tight around the bust" pile. (All tops eventually make their way to this pile.) The "this makes you look like someone's grandmother and you're only 40-something" pile. And the "used to be the right length, but now it's too short pile". (These are mostly tops and mostly cotton and no longer meet the "end where my legs begin" standard.)

Keep in mind the latter pile wouldn't even exist if I were not of the generation that still contends that any spare tires should have a cover over around them.

Every few months I vow to myself that I will only buy high quality clothing and only classic pieces so they will never go out of style and then I have another morning like today's purge-fest and find that I would be happy just to find a fist full of clothes at a bargain price to replace the ones I know I will miss.

The torture lasted approximately 3 hours.

Thankfully our town has the all-American classic JCPenney and their "women's" department understands the need for tops that are a little longer than the usual "misses" size who thinks every woman is between 8 and 14. Us full-figured girls really appreciate that. I should write them a letter.

They also feature brands like St. John's Bay who makes things like "bi-stretch" khakis and great straight-leg jeans that stretch but still look cool. I see why they call him a saint.

Today's shopping experience was particularly painful because of my ill-considered decision to try on jeans. Of the 4 pair I tried on, exactly zero was a reasonably good fit.

Determined to stay positive I shopped the down-and-dirty clearance rack at Beall's and stumbled onto a nice brown pair of Docker twill trousers for only 12 bucks. I didn't need another pair of brown trousers and this fluke made the 3 hours only slightly less painful.

I am again reminded of my rules for a productive shopping trip:

Two-hours. No more.

Shoes and handbags are fun to browse and buy and there is little opportunity to be disappointed because of fit issues.

Tops and pajamas aren't too bad and jewelry is better but never at regular price.

Never (ever) shop for jeans or pants or dresses or skirts unless you are 1) feeling particularly optimistic, or 2) desperate, or 3) have not eaten a full meal in 3 or 4 days.

Never look to Hollywood glam as a guide. These people are freaks.

Those empire waist tops that separate the bust from the belly? The bust is intended for the top half, and everything else for the bottom. If you have a waistline across your bust line...you should try another style. (But good luck finding one). If you are big busted already, you don't need the emphasis anyway.

All that glitters isn't necessary.

Leave two-fers on the rack. There are better choices that involve the use of an entire pattern.

If you're one of those efficiency experts who finds a top she likes and buys it in 4 colors, keep in mind that when you decide you hate said top, you have 4 colorful ways to hate it.

Wearing clothing two-sizes too big for you does not make you look skinny. It makes you look like you've forgotten how to shop.

Count the number of brown tops in your closet before you leave. If you have more than 8, you don't need anymore in that color, screwball.

And last but not least....

Always give your unneeded clothing to a charity or good cause - it helps justify buying more.

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