In response to your early morning grumblings at what is in fact my job, I, your alarm clock would like to take this time to offer a few words of my own. Heed these words carefully and we can live a harmonious existence together.

1. You set me, but forget me? You seethe at my startling buzz or dulcet musical tones when I awaken you from an otherwise sweetly sought slumber. But it was you who put me into action. I am only following through with orders that you gave me from some time before. When I do my job correctly, I feel the brunt of your scorn that I somehow took you away from a trip afar. When I do my job correctly, I feel loathing as you hurriedly curse the morning to become a track star and race to places unknown, like the bathroom or kitchen. When I do my job, I become the butt of your jokes or the start of a waged war with a roommate or spouse who did not set my work hours into motion. You set me, but you forget... I am just doing the job you asked.

2. Learn the difference between my AM and PM feature. I feel your scorn, but ask you just the same, did you even read the manual that came with me in the box? Did you inherit me from someone else and expect me to explain just how to program me? You think that since you can plug in the wires to a stereo, a PC, a DVD, VHS or CD player; you can figure out just how to program me, but miss the obvious?

3. No violence. Don't hit me. Don't drop me off the night stand. Do not throw. And if you are to activate my snooze feature of five extra minutes, all I ask is that is done with a delicate hand.

4. No radio gremlins! My brethren alarm clocks that also include a music feature with our set time piece do not switch radio station formats in the middle of the night. If you awaken to Ozzy instead of Wynona, it's probably because of your doing or undoing. You had the chance to check my auditory status before bed, don't find fault with my song selections afterward.

5. We do not schedule for storms and power outages. Yes! If we blink or are 3-10 hours wrong, the problem may have come from an Act of God. We are not to be punished or blamed from said event. We are not equipped with a natural tampering warning.

6. Our travel companion cousins, watch or cell phone features, they all serve their purpose away from home, but do not fit into a bedroom routine. When set, you know where I am. You know how to roll over to see me. Connecting with me becomes rote on an otherwise REM induced sleep (walk) reach out. You know my buttons, my sounds, even in a half comatose sleep state.

7. I have been seen as a savior and a bane to the working man. But my #1 enemy is alcohol, drugs, or inhibitors that make my job doubly difficult. If you are to challenge me to wake you, don't give me attitude when I do. It's easy to jump out of a pothole, it is a struggle to climb out of a ravine.

8. You can upgrade me, but the process is pretty much the same. More bells and whistles still means there is the job of waking you up. The steps above are the same.

I am your alarm clock. I have my job to do. So let me do it! And when you have accepted the inevitability of my existance in harmony with yours, I can send you on your way. And then I can sleep the rest of the day in peace without you (and your grumblings) around to bother me.

Learn more about this author, Mj Ferruzza.
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