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Thanks for your interest in the Obama cult! We trust that you are as blown away as us by the grace and coolness that our leader Barack Obama exhibits every day while doing the toughest job in the country. Not only is he dreamy; he's intelligent, awesome, and part African American. It is as if the coolest kid in your high school was much cooler and much smarter and you're pretty sure he's your friend. Well, you don't have a reason to think he's not your friend. There was that one time he tossed his head back at you in the hallway to say, "What's up?" At least you're pretty sure that headsnap was directed at you.

It's only right that this high school of a country should elect the cool, smart guy to lead us. Not only does Obama get along with everyone, everyone wants to be around Obama. Remember when that loser Hugo Chavez went up to him in the cafeteria and gave him that book? What a loser. But Obama took it like he was really going to read it. Hell, he might even read it. I bet he reads it and he sends Chavez a myspace message about how he liked the book but how the issues in it are tragic and yet very complicated in our current international climate.

If we look at the kinds of presidents we've had in the past, we are clearly approaching the end of the world. We had some nice white guys, some more white guys, some dumb white guys followed by some dishonest white guys, followed by some other white guys and then a really squirrelly white guy and then this tall brown guy who walks like he's wearing an all-white suit on the deck of his yacht. Clearly, something awful is going to happen.

If during a conversation with your mother in your high school years, she said to you, "Well, if Barack Obama jumped off a bridge, would you?" you may think for just a second, "Well, if Barack Obama is doing it, there's got to be something to it. I mean, if he does it, it's going to be cool." That's how this apocalypse is going down. It's going down like the second act of a teen movie about a loser who latches on to a cool kid who gets into caffeine pills, and then the loser gets into caffeine pills too, tragically.

But let me tell you: Our caffeine pills are not caffeine pills. They're socialism, leading to a general blurring of the lines between what it means to be a boring white class president and a cool brown class president. This loss of identity will invariably lead to the loss of liberty and freedom, for as the balance between freedom and equality tips toward equality,

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