by Jeff Charlebois

Created on: May 14, 2009

It's that awful time again when I sit down at the computer, hoping to come up with a clever column. The problem is, I've got nothing. I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm not motivated to write about global warming, politics, the economy or even football. Crazy, isn't it?

Sorry. It's just that nothing's biting me, which leaves me without something to write. Usually there's an item that I can snatch out of the headlines, like a dingo eating a baby, a celebrity getting arrested, a song about girls kissing girls. But this time I'm just not seeing it. Maybe I don't want to see it. Maybe I'm just content to stumble around in the dark. If Seinfeld could do a whole sitcom around nothing, then surely I can do an article on the same subject.

Good. That's two paragraphs down. At least I'm no longer staring at a blank screen. I wish I could say the hard work is over, but there's still a lot of room left on this page. Life is like that: Each day is a blank page, and somehow we fill it up. A minute is a word. A day is a sentence. A week is a paragraph. In a month you've lived a chapter. One day, when your book is done, you go to that big library in the sky, and trust that some angel will find a place for you on the shelf. If my book doesn't fall behind the stacks, I should be in the humor section.

My phone is ringing. Thank God! Hold a second...

Okay, I'm back. That was the Leukemia Foundation. They want money, but they're getting nothing. I didn't use my real voice when I took the call. I used my timid Jewish guy voice. It's one of my favorites. I know the Leukemia Foundation doesn't know my real voice, but the disguise helps me. I don't feel like a heel for not making a contribution, because it wasn't me being stingy, it was the timid Jewish guy. Even better, taking the phone call means I can put off writing a bit longer.

I'm chewing on a pencil now. Is that sick or what? I can't help but wonder how many people have already slobbered on this filthy utensil. What if I get lead poisoning? Lead poisoning may have killed off the Romans. Their dining plates were all painted and, as many of us know, paint at that time contained lead. (I threw that in because I'd feel terrible if my article didn't provide some educational content.) Oh, that's right, pencils are no longer made of lead. Well then, what if I get slobber poisoning? I'm putting the pencil down now. Time to get back to the matter at hand. This writing about nothing

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