by Dolores Moore

Created on: May 13, 2009

Insults take various forms, as we all know from bitter experience. Sometimes they can be just harsh words from a stranger on a busy street, or often, a friend or family member can say or do something unintentionally insulting. Everyday dealings with service providers, be they the check-out person or bus driver, can be a rude, insulting experience that rouses various emotional responses. A whole range of emotions come into play when we feel insulted; anger, shock, dismay and disbelief are just a few.

The best comebacks for insults can only be used if those emotions are kept in check, if the insulted one "keeps their wits about them." Because it is wit that takes the sting and power out of insults, while putting the insulting person firmly in his or her place. To use wit, the mind must be sharp and fully aware, not clouded by emotion. Looking at some insults and some comebacks may be a good way to illustrate.

1# The rude, pushy bus driver who hurries people along, moaning if they do not have the right change. Ask this person when he or she expects that certificate.

"What certificate?" they will growl. Just reply, with a smile:- "The one from the Charm School, remember?" Then quickly take your ticket and sit, or get off the bus, depending on whether you have insulted the driver or not.

2# The check-out girl who continues discussing her love life with the girl on the next till. She is going to hold out her hand for your money. You just stand there ignoring that hand till she deigns to focus on you, her customer. Say not a word till she asks nicely, then look behind you as if you believe she is talking to somebody else. Say sweetly: "Oh, were you speaking to ME?" Then take your time paying, packing and leaving, but emphasize your thanks. This one needs plenty of composure and acting skill, but it works.

3# Somebody comments on your appearance in an insulting and hurtful manner. Ask them quietly to repeat what they just said. Then respond with: "You poor thing, have you tried tantric yoga?" Wallk away with dignity, leaving them wondering just what you were talking about. Another useful comeback here is "If you had a brain, you'd be really dangerous."

4# On a busy street, you are pushed and shoved, treated with disrespect, in fact. Turn to the pushy one nearest you, put a slightly concerned look on your face and ask: "Is there a fire/flood/robbery/mad axeman around here?" Or try this one. "Can I help you with directions; you seem in a hurry to get someplace?"

Those responses to insults are mostly non-aggressive, a little bit witty and might work in some instances. The wittiest comebacks, in my experience, are rather more "incendiary" shall we say, and come from my childhood in Ulster, where nobody took any insulting nonsense from anybody else. Here are a few examples of these:

"Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?"
"Do you LIKE hospital food?"
"How would you like a bunch of fives/fourpenny one/dig in the bake/punch on the nose?"
"Does your mother know you're out?"
"Have you ever thought of emigrating?"
"Are you getting medical treatment?"

The trouble with insults lies in the fact that it is only after you have been insulted, that you can think of the exact, right, wittiest words to make a good comeback. The best comebacks for insults are witty, but must have the power to make the other person think about the impact of their behavior. This has been a light-hearted look at the subject, but the truth does lie in a clear head, a good command of language, a quick wit and plenty of self-confidence. Go for it - but be prepared to run away, should the need arise! Good luck.

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