by Alcomum

Created on: May 12, 2009

I have been without my usual emotional anaesthetic (red wine, preferably from Chile, or gin and tonic) for over 9 weeks now. And sometimes, unexpectedly, I see the powerful numbing effect that drinking had on my emotions.

Like tonight. I'm sitting watching Grey's Anatomy, minding my own business. And 2 things happen on the show which totally freak me out:
1: A young guy is horribly facially disfigured in a car accident.

2: A 29 year old seemingly healthy woman has Stage 4 cancer in her brain.

I spent the first half of the programme crying about the possibility that either of my sons could end up in an accident and sustain awful injuries. I considered starting to walk them to school instead of driving (but this is Ireland, so I'm not gonna do that in case they get blown by a gale onto the road or drown in the rain). And I spent the second half of the programme trying not to cry worrying about what would happen to my sons if I ever got a terminal diagnosis. Of anything. Or how my mum would cope.

This is supposed to be my chill out time. Entertainment if you will!

Now, I have been accused before of getting "too involved" in programmes/films/books and relating them to myself when I don't need to. And I admit to that. Possibly because there were witnesses when I went to see Braveheart in the cinema (once - never again), and nearly everyone in my family has had to console me when ET dies (every Christmas). And my mum still reminds me of how I didn't sleep for about a year after I saw Nightmare on Elm Street. But other than those exceptions, it is a very rare occasion - even when extremely drunk - that fiction causes me to cry. For 60 solid minutes. Not hysterically, but there was a sufficient lump in my throat the whole time to make drinking my tea nearly impossible.

I have been paralysing my emotions so often and for so long that there are some I can't currently identify. For example, I know when I feel certain way that is kind of guilty, but I know it isn't guilt. I can only place it in the guilt family, but I don't actually know it's name. Same with sad. There are particular feelings I have had of late that, again, are related to sad but definitely don't have the same name.

But crying at Grey's Anatomy when people aren't even dead, and there are no sick babies or bleeding children to be seen? I am truly at a loss with that one.

I have heard in AA that for a period after stopping drinking, an alcoholic should be aware that they are very delicate. Like a post-op patient (see, I know the jargon). And that emotions are likely to be difficult because, whether positive or negative, they will be much more heightened. Intense. Raw. I have not heard that I should expect these new emotions to interfere with my being entertained by people who are just pretend. So am posting this information to raise awareness of this critical issue! Spread the word...

Learn more about this author, Alcomum.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.