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Grief is very delicate, personal to the person experiencing it even though it is common to all of us sooner or later. When you watch someone in pain you want to help them ease their pain. Sometimes just being there sitting quietly is all that is needed to alleviate some of that pain. Other's pain is uncomfortable that is why we rush to say or do something to alleviate that pain in order to make things better for both the bereaved and yourself.

It is very easy to say the wrong thing when you are trying to help others handle grief. In your desire to help you say the classic sentence, ' I know how you are feeling'. This may be taken as a mockery and can stir anger in the bereaved. No two people can know how another is feeling, even if they have been through a loss of their own, grief is personal. Even when a family loses a family member each member of the family had a unique relationship with tthe deceased and even though the family will be sharing their loss, the loss will be very personal to each member.

Timing is also very important in grief and again it is different for everyone. Some people seem to be able to get on with their lives in a relatively short time after their loss, others seem to never get over it and tend to live in the past. The worst thing that you can say to someone still grieving after a long time is, 'Your Mum/Dad/friend would not have wanted you to be still crying over them'. Putting guilt on top of grief, where there is probably guilt already, is not helpful.

As with a person who is depressed, saying to the bereaved, 'Pull yourself together', again is not helpful. If you cannot say anything helpful, don't say anything at all. Offer to help with things they cannot do for themselves. If the loss is recent and there are some financial and legal work to do, you could help with the paper work. A simple cup of tea and bringing a box of tissue to them while they cry their pain, is comforting and sincere.

The bereaved will need to talk about their loved one, maybe you will not want to hear the same conversation for the hundredth time, but this is therapeutic for the bereaved as the mind is trying to make sense out of something which makes no sense. Do not criticise their way of thinking. Do not question their thoughts and beliefs, and do not give your opinion unless it is coming from their point of view. Now is not the time for your opinions and theories, unless you are a trained counsellor and if so you will know full well that what matters is the client's story not what you think.

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