by Matt Bird

Created on: May 11, 2009

Whenever it comes to these kinds of lists I'm always tempted to go the silly route. Sure, I could be like most other people and provide a realistic compendium of jobs I hope to test out some day - but what's the fun in that? Why not go for the jobs that you never have a chance of getting?

So I'm going to do it again. Here's my list of jobs I'd love to have - whether they're real or not! - yet never expect to get in my lifetime.

- Jet pilot. Not one who actually goes to war, but somebody who's paid to go up and zip around in the sky for an hour or two every day. I don't want to do anything pratical beyond just have fun and perform frightening fly-bys at low altitudes. As long as people see me coming well in advance it's okay, right?

- Tank driver. I guess I'm a glutton for destruction. Same as the jet pilot; I don't want to go to war, I just want to drive around in a tank all day rolling over objects. If need be I'll perform demolition jobs by flattening buildings. Sounds good to me.

- Starship captain. Who hasn't pictured themselves at the helm of the Enterprise, pointing out the front window and saying 'Engage' in a deep, rich tone like Captain Picard? Not to mention you'd get the chance to mess around with the transporters on the thing, not to mention hold entire developing planets at ransom.

- Pirate. No, not the realistic pirates, but the ones you see in cartoons: always hearty, always having fun, plundering everybody they come across yet not genuinely bad in any way. I want to be one of the fun pirates who just sing all day and adhere to every pirate cliche known to man - and boy, are there a lot of those.

- Ninja. The pirate's natural enemy. May as well try out both sides of the coin, right? Sneaking through buildings without a sound to intercept secret meetings sounds like hilarious good fun. Plus I'd get to wear one of those awesome outfits and carry around a bunch of sharp objects, and lord knows I'm a glutton for sharp objects.

- Musketeer. Yes, one of the THREE, no less. They always seemed to have such a jolly time thwarting the machinations of the evil Cardinal of France. Duels to defend one's honor would be grand.

- Line worker in the Cadbury plant. For five minutes. Just to see how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar. Then I'd go "ooooh" and quit.

- One of Santa's elves. Making toys all day with a bunch of goofy, pint-sized, pointy-eared workers? That sounds so fun. And who could be a better man to work for than the jolliest guy on the planet?

- And, finally, ghost. Just for a few days to see what it's like. Maybe I'm just mean-spirited by nature, but the thought of going around pranking people in their houses just sounds too fun.

Looking back on this list I realize how much of a jerk I am. Ghost? Pirate? Starship captain that holds planets for ransom? Seems like most of my dream jobs come at the expense of somebody else.

Ah well. At least we can take comfort in the fact that they won't come true anyway.

Learn more about this author, Matt Bird.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.