by Charles Ray

Created on: May 10, 2009

Sometimes it seems that the United States, as a ship of state, is running on the fuel of conspiracy theories. There is a conspiracy behind almost everything that happens. From who killed JFK (or is that J.R.?) to the HIV/AIDS epidemic, you don't have to look too far or too hard to find a small group that has a theory about it. Usually it's the big, bad government that is behind it.

One perennial conspiracy, that posits a massive government coverup, is that we left many of our soldiers behind in enemy hands after the Korean and Vietnam Wars. Further, it is believed by not a small number of people that these people are still alive, being held underground in basements and caves, and that for over 50 years, successive administrations in Washington have concealed it.

Okay, let's assume for a moment that there are some people in government who don't follow all the rules - don't forget Watergate and Iran-Contra. But, really, thousands of people for that many years have kept such an explosive secret, and no amount of prying by the dedicated adherents of these theories can turn up anything better than blurry photos of Eastern European tourists to prove it. We're talking about the same government that can't keep the dalliances of senior officials quiet for more than a few months; the same government that loses laptops containing tons of sensitive information on you and me. That government can keep a secret.

Another favorite theory is the coverup of the alien visitor. You know him, the little hairless guy with no belly button who was such a lousy pilot he crashed his space ship in an isolated part of New Mexico. He was picked up and spirited away to some super secret facility hidden somewhere in the desert, never to be seen again, except in the minds of the people who can never accept the mundane explanation. Again, thousands of people have managed to pass this secret down through the years, and keep the rest of us in the dark. The problem with the alien is this: If this guy came from a civilization so advanced they could send a scout ship to check out the third rock from the Sun, why have they not checked up on him in all this time. Surely his scouting report is somewhat overdue.

It's probably not politically correct to make fun of conspiracy theorists. Aren't they protected by anti-discrimination laws or something? The EEO complaints will be coming in the next mail, and the offending party (name withheld for his protection) will be condemned to write a thousand times on the chalk board, "The spaceman is in New Mexico, and Lenin shot JFK" with chalk laced with chlorine provided by the UN and delivered in a black helicopter. After that they will take over the earth, and proved beyond doubt that the moon landing was actually staged on a movie lot in LA.

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