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Brett Favre coverage?

Introduce steroids to the PGA Tour. Just move the tournament tees back another hundred or so yards. They've already Tiger-proofed half the courses on tour. What's another bit of urban and regional planning going to hurt? Heck, it'll provide the country with some well-needed employment.

Why stop there? The Professional Bowler's Tour could have its 'athletes' juice up. Just add more pins in the lane like that Wii bowling game. Competitive Scrabble players could shoot up before a big match, then routinely place multisyllabic 20-letter words on the board with ease. We've already seen what Marion Jones and Ben Johnson can do on the juice. Imagine how much faster NASCAR drivers could drive on HGH. Track records would fall by the wayside. Hockey fans, you want more fights? Imagine the bloodshed in a juiced up NHL. And boxing! Talk about a surefire way to rejuvenate the heavyweight division. Someone get me Don King on the phone.

Hey, American Gladiators lasted seven seasons and is now back on the air. You can't tell me that Nitro, Lace and Gemini weren't carrying around their own personal medicine bags for pre-show warm-ups. Even our former Chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was a user, so why should we turn our nose up at it now?

Of course, I'm kidding. Steroid related deaths of athletes past show the dangers of such irresponsible drug use. One need only recall images a withering Lyle Alzado in his final days to think twice about putting that stuff into your system. Perhaps Manny missed that memo.

Fortunately, has a strict don't ask-don't tell policy regarding drug use, which is why it only took me seconds to knock out this article. As one of my loyal readers and fellow writers, Elk, wisely proclaimed If [athletes are] willing to sacrifice their long term health for my entertainment, all the power to them.

He's right. If athletes are selling their souls to the pharmacist, at least they're getting a good price

Learn more about this author, Chris Humpherys.
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