by Craig Pickering

Created on: May 09, 2009   Last Updated: February 29, 2012

Recession getting you down? Not me!

What a great time to live in! I now have an excuse for absolutely everything I do not want to do.

For example, I can never find the right present for my mother for her birthday. Now, I do not even bother to look. "Sorry Mum, the GFC (Global Financial Crisis) you know."

Invited to a function I do not want to go to? "Sorry, must conserve my petrol. The GFC, you know."

Leaving a small tip? "Sorry, I know you are hurting too. The GFC, you know.'

Feeling too tired for getting frisky with the partner? "Sorry, too depressed. The GFC, you know."

Coming home late and drunk on a Friday night? "Sorry, me and the boys were drowning our sorrows. The GFC, you know."

And the best thing about all this? The sympathy! Not only can you now be as mean and selfish as you like, but people will sympathise with you as well!

"Oh yes, I know, terrible isn't it. Are you OK? Would you like another drink?"

Even if you make a remark that elicits an angry response, you can maneuver your way out by saying something like, "Sorry, I am just so down these days. The GFC, you know."

You can eat what you like because you are depressed. You can stay in bed all day, because you are depressed. You have an excuse not to watch the news because it is too depressing (the fact it conflicts with your favourite show about lingerie models on cable is purely coincidental). "That's alright, you watch your sexist show that is demeaning to females, you need cheering up.

You have to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity! Indulge in all your sins and just blame it on the economy! Grow your hair long, don't shave, drink lots of alcohol, laze around the house and hire soft-porn movies. Damn this GFC for making you so depressed that you need all these things, and in copious quantities!

So you lose your job. Never mind, with all the government hand-outs you will be fine, and you suddenly have a lot more friends - the other million or so who also lost their jobs this month. You are also now looked upon as an "unfortunate victim" instead of a "lazy pig". Being completely selfish and lazy now gets you overwhelming community sympathy!

The only problem is the bank. They somehow still expect to receive a mortgage payment each month. Are they crazy? Don't they know there is a global crisis going on? You cal them up, explain the situation, and tell them why you should be exempt from any payments for at least the next six months.

Their reply?

"Sorry, we need to money. The GFC, you know."

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