by Jackie Bourke

Created on: May 08, 2009

Miscarriage is both tragic and humbling at the same time. I am writing this at the time of a second miscarriage in a six month period, and my first miscarriage last year was an experience that changed me in various ways.

Although I was 40 then, I felt over the moon and physically very well, with the exception of some tiredness, a roller coaster of emotions but I never suspected that there was any issue whatsoever. A couple of days before the end of my first trimester, when I was due to have the first scan I started to spot.

As spotting can happen in healthy pregnancies even at this stage I did not freak out, and still being the eternal optimist, went to the hospital for a scan, hoping that this would confirm that all was fine.

But during the scan, the lady doctor's reaction started to alarm me, and after a while she told me that there was no heartbeat, but she seemed surprised when I was upset. She told me that this happens all the time, which of course it does, but that was no consolation to me, as to me it was a lot more than some common event.

I live in Spain, and although I speak good Spanish, I am not fluent so in a situation like this it makes you feel even more vulnerable, and my partner had not been allowed to come into the room with me. In a haze of shock and intense sadness, I signed whatever paperwork she gave me, which was to come back to the hospital on the following Monday for a D & C.

My friend is a gynecologist back in Ireland, so later that day I spoke to her and she explained that there were other options such as waiting for a while for it to happen naturally, or medication that could be taken to help it along.

Given that I had already sensed a name for our baby and felt a growing human being, I couldn't face having a procedure to remove this child from within me. I was in no way prepared for this option, and knew in my heart that to go to hospital on the Monday to have it done would be the most emotionally damaging route for me. I am someone who hardly ever takes medication and believe in natural and preventative healing methods, so I felt I would wait for nature to take its course.

What I didn't realise is that my body for whatever reasons was not in a rush to let go, and my wait went from days to weeks. Towards the end of over three weeks, I was struggling with the balance of my mind and emotions, with the concern that things would maybe not be alright for the future if my body did not start to release soon.

But the

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>