by Adam Shaftoe

Created on: May 07, 2009

If Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was still in production, Matt Reeves' Cloverfield would find itself instantly offered up on Mike Nelson and co.'s altar for mindless films that take themselves far too seriously. Although the following sentiment might constitute fightin' words to some, it seems fitting to state that Cloverfield is an even bigger waste of time than the infamous Battlefield Earth.

Before this review continues, some context should be offered: While many movie goers discovered a new level of terror in 1999 with the The Blair Witch Project, this reviewer did not. The purposefully grainy shaky camera cinematography seemed reminiscent of a ninth grader's film project. Why such a camera technique was lauded for more intensely involving the audience in the film's narrative is beyond all reasoning. Furthermore, the shaky-cam strikes as nothing more than a weak attempt to gussy up haphazard production as nouveau-riche art film drek.

Cloverfield takes the shaky-cam to a new level of banality, not to mention nausea and eye strain. So if you were not a fan of the movie that claimed to revolutionize the horror genre, it's probably for the best if you skip Cloverfield.

The cast and plot of Cloverfield strikes as nothing more than recycled fodder from a particularly tedious story arc of the television show Friends. Essentially, this film centers on the dysfunctional relationship between the Ross and Rachel archetypes set against the backdrop of a monster stomping its way across Manhattan Island. However, the film is not all anti-climatic monster stomping as director Reeves offers the audience some fifteen minutes of maudlin back story on the decline and fall of these two characters' relationship. The dreary interpersonal minutia leads up to the big-bad-monster's attack.

In a nod to the annihilation fetishes which have descended upon Hollywood films in recent years, the big-bad-monster begins its attack with the decapitation of the Statue of Liberty (Who ordered the overly affective 9/11 symbolism?). As one would expect, protagonist Rob (Michael Stahl-David) decides to beat a hasty retreat from his converted loft apartment. Accompanied by his brother Jason (Mike Vogel), Jason's girlfriend Lily (Jessica Lucas), his best friend Hudson (T.J. Miller) and Hudson's paramour Marlena (Lizzy Caplan), the group seek sanctuary from the big-bad-monster in...New Jersey. (Wasn't that the plot of Escape from New York?) But when Rob receives a call from the object

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