by Dan Hiland

Created on: May 06, 2009

NEAR MISS

Single and 31.

I was, in the words of Brigham Young, a "menace to society".

My search for an eternal companion was now in its 10th year. I'd seen most of my friends marry, many later divorced and on their second mate, but all of them enjoying some degree of wedded bliss.

My dating life was less than dead, resembling Virgil's descent into the 12th ring of Hell, the only difference between the two of us being that at least Virgil's trip had an end.

All I could hope for was a peaceful death, someday- followed by eternal servitude as a genderless ministering angel to a bunch of married people with their 5 million kids. It made me wonder if chastity was really worth the effort.

Being a Mormon, I had somehow navigated the rocky shoals of immorality, but it wasn't easy. The loneliness was the worst part.

Spending most of my days at the end of a frayed emotional rope, I sought female companionship at
church dances. They were always held in the gym, the ever-present glitter ball broadcasting diamonds of light over the floor and walls. I had been going to the damned things so long I'd seen the music change from disco to new wave to who knows what.

But this particular night seemed different, somehow.

Could it be that she was lurking here somewhere- what the overly optimistic (or deranged) called the "one-and-only"?

My soul mate.

Nah. Never happen, I told myself.

But even now, after all the bad dates and near misses, somewhere inside burned a feeble cinder of hope. Maybe, just maybe, she is out there.

I cast my weary gaze around the gym as I trolled the edge of the crowd on the way to the refreshment table. Two minutes later I concluded that the field was not white, or ready for harvest. In disgust, I retrieved my coat from the hallway, and was unlocking my car door when a beat-up red pickup sped into the lot, then screeched to a halt. Someone in the passenger side waved at me.

The doors opened and out came two young ladies. One was tall and bouncy, the other much shorter and sullen, almost reluctant. They were arguing about something the smaller girl was wearing.

As they walked past me, I was expecting some eye-to-eye from the waver, but when I saw how pretty she was, I looked away.

I pocketed the keys and followed them inside, at a respectable distance, of course.

The heat in the building was intense, so off came the coat as I started the hunt, looking here and there.

"Brick House" had ended, followed by "Stairway To Heaven".

A slow dance.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and there

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