by Alcomum

Created on: May 05, 2009   Last Updated: May 12, 2009

I am surviving alcoholism. To my surprise, survival involves me feeling - and looking - like an extra from the video for Thriller. I actually look more frightening than the star himself (both now and back then). And I thought the (Wo)Man in the Mirror was scary when I had been drinking...

I have a history of depression, and today I can't shake off this fatigue. And I am really still trying to HALT like I have been advised in Alcoholics Anonymous (i.e. not get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired) and do the next right thing (i.e. sleep when I am tired). But I could honestly sleep most of the time. In fact, the only time I ever actually get hungry is when I have managed to skip a meal due to sleeping.

Like so many other things in my life, it seems that even recovery is not going to come easily to me. Yesterday, for example, I planned and devised that I would sleep for about 2 hours after my boys went to their dad's and then I would get up and "do things" with my day off (it was a public holiday here in the UK). Usually about 2 hour's sleep sets me right when I am tired. Except yesterday, I went back to bed about 11.30am and when I woke up it was 4.15pm. I then (productively) spent time beating myself up about wasting my day. No laundry done. No cleaning done. Certainly no work done.

And the thing is, I still feel completely wrecked. I have asked my doctor about this - although regular readers of my work will be aware that I don't much rate his professional opinion, me being a (freelance) medical expert myself and all - and he says there is no physical problem, but that mental and emotional conditions simply have physical side effects. Like exhaustion. Yawn...

He reminded me that in the last 12 months I have survived various family upheavals, moved house, moved office (twice - once at the suggestion of the love of my life* to work in the same building as him rent free, then once again when he turned out not to be the love of my life*), had my relationship (with aforementioned love of my life*) break down in tatters, endured relationship counselling only to have things fall apart anyway, struggled with depression and self harm (not new, but still), found out I am alcoholic (not exactly a shock), and entered the AA 12 Step recovery programme. And apparently someone in such a position may expect to be a bit fatigued.

Blah blah. I know all that. But the laundry STILL needs done, the floors STILL need cleaning, and I STILL have my own business to run (preferably

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