by Laura Caine

Created on: May 05, 2009   Last Updated: March 04, 2011

My relationship with my mother-in-law-to-be was off to a rocky start. It didn't help that I was ten years older than her son and practiced a different religion. The first time I met her and my father-in-law at their home, she gave me a cool handshake, a tight smile, and made incessant chatter aimed at keeping me at arm's length. She then retreated to the kitchen while I sat, with the rest of his family, in the living room. Cabinet doors slammed as she prepared a snack for all of us. Apprehensive eyes darted from one face to another as we made polite conversation and waited for the storm of anger to pass. Little did she know, that by withholding her approval, she was catapulting her son straight into my arms.

But much to my surprise, when his proposal came and I had accepted, she was the first to call, warmly congratulate me, and offer to help me plan the wedding. What a relief, too, as I had never been the kind of girl who dreamed of "the special day" and had planned out the bridesmaid dresses, flowers, and everything else that went into planning a wedding. At the time, I suspected my mother-in-law of control issues. After all, what did she know about my tastes, and what would all her friends think if I didn't choose the "right" place or throw the "right" type of party? It was a good ploy for her to make sure things turned out they way she wanted them to.

I gave her control with an ulterior motive, thinking it would ingratiate me to her. She threw a wonderful shower for me. She followed up by making all the arrangements for our wedding, always checking with me to see if I approved of her choices. I did. She has exquisite taste, and I was lucky to be the beneficiary of that. I still suspected she did it all for her son, but little by little, I started to see that she was making an enormous effort to see me happy as well.

That's why it was confusing when she sometimes said some awkward things to me. Not necessarily mean things, per se, but they certainly weren't the kind of things one would say if they were trying to build a better relationship with another. For example, her other son divorced his wife, leaving me as the only daughter-in-law. In a phone conversation about it, mother-in-law said to me, "Well, now I can almost call you my 'favorite' daughter-in-law." Still, I held my tongue and made sure I didn't mention anything about her jabs to my husband.

It wasn't long before we had our first child. I remember my mother-in-law calling me, wanting to get us a gift

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