by Pam From Hell

Created on: May 04, 2009

How many times have I been in the awkward position of having to clarify what I've just said? Far too many for my liking. If I have to say the words "In other words" I'm already losing the battle. It means the other person either doesn't have the capacity to understand, of they just don't want to. The realization that the person I'm speaking with would rather be getting flogged in public is a rude awakening.

In order to successfully avoid the consequences of being misunderstood, one must recognize the various meanings represented by the phrase "In other words."

- "I got very little sleep last night, and I'm having trouble staying motivated today." In other words: "My eyes are glazing over because I can't for the life of me, figure out why I'm standing here."

- "Certainly, I'll be more than happy to dog sit for Buster while you're gone this weekend." In other words: "You obviously think I don't have a life, other than to accommodate your needs and wishes."

- "A camping weekend with the kids' sounds like a great time, I just need to check the calendar." In other words: "I probably won't find a good date to be bitten to death by swarms of merciless mosquitoes."

- "The movie was action packed and the plot was rather intricate." In other words: "What the hell was that about other than a bunch of explosions?"

- "I'd absolutely love to plan the family reunion this year, but I'll need a little help." In other words: "If you think I'm going to organize a group of curmudgeons, drunks, busy-bodies, belligerent teenagers, and bratty toddlers by myself, you're crazy!"

- "Did you have a professional decorator do the house?" In other words: "Did you actually PAY someone to combine these hideous colors and patterns?"

- "I thought the meeting was extremely productive." In other words: "I can't think of a more effective way to absolutely ruin a perfectly good afternoon."

- "No, I don't think you drive too fast." In other words: "Can you help me pry my fingernails out of the armrest?"

- "I think John has a unique interest in wildlife." In other words: "Does the man have to kill and stuff anything that breathes?"

- "I'm healing quite fast and should return to work in a few days." In other words: "Have you seen what's on daytime TV? I'd rather have my stitches ripped out by a blind seamstress!"

- "So, you're thinking of going into politics?" In other words: "Better practice sucking the blood of small defenseless animals for a realistic beginning."

Hopefully, these examples will serve as viable tools for future communications. In other words: If at first you don't succeed, just give it up since the blockhead you're talking to won't remember it by the time you walk away.
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