by Joseph Coleman

Created on: May 04, 2009

There comes a time, in every man's life, when a danger meets with his continuance. Mine happened when I was deployed to Korea. I went into the Army (drafted!), thanks to my wonderful "friends and neighbors", and was sent to Korea in 1967. We got to a reception station for orientation, and were issued a pillow, and a sleeping bag. On April 18, 1967, I woke up in my bunk and I was not alone! I was, frantically, itching in "that certain area of a man's body", as they say in the Viagra commercials. I assumed I just needed a shower. I ate first, then went to the latrine to, quickly, get rid of what I had just eaten. Army food isn't bad, unless you like good food. While sitting there on the toilet, itching and scratching, I noticed something frightening. There they were, hundreds of them, an entire regimen of Crabs! Yes, that's right, I knew exactly, what they were! ! And, they were armed! When you see them, you know how they got their name! They even had pincher claws! These tiny creatures were gouging my very sensitive area with their claws. My God, I was being molested by beasts! You can't imagine the terror when "that certain area of a man's body", that every man is sworn to protect against any, and all, ill-mannered intrusions, is invaded by tiny monsters. I can't recall, but I believe I screamed! You know it's kind of hard to sleep when these ugly monsters, are pincher-gouging, digging, biting, and partying right on top of your family jewels! I went to the Medics tent and complained that I thought I had the Crabs. I thought they would quarantine me, issue an all-out alert, call the President! The Doctor looked me over.

"Yeah, you got a nice case of the Crabs, all right," I couldn't believe how casual he was about it. I was in a triple-A panic mode! He wrote something out on script and gave it to me.

"Here," he said, again with the casual, "take this to the infirmary and we'll get you some help." He saw my anxiousness. "Don't worry, it's pretty common here. You probably got them from your sleeping bag. Douse it too, with this stuff." Now, I know I'm from Iowa, and hadn't had all that much worldly experience, but the Crabs? I thought the Crabs were one of those die-hard, killer type, diseases. Hell I didn't know! Chalk up one for the simpletons.

After having a good laugh, the boys at the infirmary gave me a little, Army green, camouflage, can of "Crab Powder". You know, just in case you get a round of Crabs when you're out killing the enemy! I bombed those little creatures to holy hell. I slept on my mattress that night, and froze my ass off! I wasn't getting back into that sleeping bag. The Crabs were my first casualties in war! It was official-I was now a mean, green, killing machine!

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