by Matthew Johnson

Created on: May 04, 2009

Police Report from the Fairy Tale Kingdom

Case Number 001: Little Red Riding Hood

1800 hrs: Arrived on scene

Location: "Grandma's" House

Upon arriving at "Grandma's" house, the first thing I observed was the body of a quite large anthropomorphic wolf. This wolf is on file as "The Big Bad Wolf" aka "Big Baddy" aka "Huffer Puffer", a leading suspect in a previous crime concerning the destruction of two of the three residences of the 3 little pigs. The lead medical examiner stated that the body was sliced open in a downward cut by a fairly large chopping implement. Interviews of witnesses and victims will be done at the station so as not to risk any further contamination of the crime scene.

Witness One: "Grandma"

Description:

Height: 5'1" (AKA little old lady)

Weight: 78 lbs

Hair Color: Grey and...uh...purple. (Bad dye job?)

Eyes: All the better to see you with?

Age: Old as dirt

When I first arrived on scene, Grandma was wearing a nightgown that was surprisingly devoid of blood given her claim of being ingested by Mr Wolf. Grandma claimed that she was sitting in her rocking chair knitting, (what is it with old people and knitting in rocking chairs?) and waiting for her granddaughter, Miss Hood, to arrive. She stated that she heard a knock at the door and the voice of someone claiming to be a UPS delivery person. She then stated that she hadn't ordered any packages but decided to go to the door anyway. She answered the door to find Mr. Wolf standing there in a UPS uniform.

Note: A new investigation has begun to determine if there is any illegal connections between Mr. Wolf and UPS. No evidence has surfaced thus far.

Grandma then stated that she invited Mr. Wolf in to have some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. (again, old ladies and baking chocolate chip cookies. What's the deal? Is there a manual somewhere or something?) Grandma then stated that she turned her back to head toward the kitchen when Mr. Wolf allegedly ingested Grandma with a single gulp. Grandma can provide no more useful information at this time.

Witness Two: "Little Red Riding Hood"

Description:

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 90 lbs

Hair Color: Light Brown

Eyes: Blue

Age: Too young to know any better

Miss Hood is wearing clothing completely inappropriate for her age. She stated that she was simply walking to her grandmother's residence when she was approached by Mr. Wolf. She claimed that there was a mild altercation and then Mr. Wolf left. She also stated that she met a man whom she described only as "the woodsman"

Note: She later gave a physical description of the woodsman. He is currently listed as wanted for questioning.

Miss Hood also stated that once she arrived at her grandmother's house, she noticed something different about her grandmother, but she couldn't quite figure out what.
Personal Note: Miss hood has since been sent to county hospital to be checked for head trauma, vision impairment or mental illness. No other explanation can be determined for the serious lack of common sense. I mean, c'mon. How anyone could mistake a large anthropomorphic wolf in a nightgown for a blood relative whom they supposedly know very well is beyond me. Put a turd in a fancy wrapper and you can still tell its a turd. Please.

Conclusion: The department is not making any statements until all the evidence is collected and processed. There is currently a warrant for the arrest of Mr. Woodsman. His location is unknown at this time. He is to be considered armed and dangerous and not to be approached. If seen, please contact Fairy Tale Kingdom Police Department.

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