by Susan Peabody

Created on: May 03, 2009

Unlike women, whose primary caretaker is of the same gender, men have to deal with complicated emotions for their mother. Men have a three-fold relationship with their mother-love, hate, fear. If they are successfully launched (separated) by their mother and taken under the wing of a male role-model, then these feelings drift down to their sub-conscious and they can embrace intimacy with a woman and have a happy, successful relationship. If they experience what we call "emotional incest" then these three emotions are exaggerated and get projected onto any woman they might meet as an adult. Marriage is an act of commitment. If a man is already afraid of his intense emotions for women then he will not want to get married. He may be angry at women because he was angry at his mother. He may be afraid of women because he was afraid of his mother. He may fear women and the power they hold over his emotions because he idealized his mother. (This makes him ashamed of intimacy.) Most of this is subconscious in men, but it explains the fear of commitment.

The most common personality type of a man who is afraid of intimacy is what I call the seductive withholder. Usually SWs are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to seduce people is amazing. They appear confident and therefore exciting. They want you to fall in love and bond with them so they can finally emerge as their true selves without being abandoned.

If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a SWs need for control and his or her self-centeredness. If you make a mistake they will be critical and unsympathetic. They will hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.

Fear losing their identity.

Fear dependency and avoid bonding.

Create rigid personality boundaries (won't let people in).

Are sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.

Lose interest in sex that leads to bonding.

Seduce and withhold to avoid bonding.

Minimize feelings that lead to bonding.

Get nervous when things go well or bonding occurs.

Pick fights and create uproars to avoid bonding.

Want more space or have to run.

Can't make a commitment. Are indifferent to others.

Feel entitled to be taken care of their way.

Won't put up with discomfort. Have complete control of the schedule.

Say to their partner "Just stay put while I come and go."

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