by Susan Peabody

Created on: May 03, 2009   Last Updated: May 04, 2009

The ingredients of a healthy relationship are as follows:

1. Honesty that engenders trust.

2. Readiness for a relationship (both partners).

3. The willingness to negotiate or compromise.

4. Self-awareness this means both partners knowing who they are and what they want.

5. Self-esteemthis means both partners feeling good about themselves.

6. Communication skills. This means: - Asking for what you want, but not being addicted to getting it. - Fighting fair. (This means expressing your opinion without attacking the other person.) - Reporting your feelings. - Saying what you mean (not beating around the bush). - Listening, as well as talking.

7. Sexual compatibility. This means similar values and preferences.

8. There should be a recognition of the fact that there are 4 people in the relationship2 adults and 2 children (1 inner child per adult). This means: - That childhood wounds will probably be triggered and sensitivity strategies must be created. - That rituals from your family of origin must be re-negotiated and new rituals created as a couple. - And, finally, that the wounded inner child must be kept in check. (In other words, love your inner child, but don't give him or her the keys to the car.)

9. Similar (but not necessarily identical) values about such issues as money, religion, monogamy, and parenting. This avoids needless conflict. Still, you don't have to agree about everything just what's important to you.

10. Patience and tolerance, but you should never tolerate abuse.

11. It is important to accept the fact that there will be days when the relationship seems very ordinary or even boring. Many people tend to have an "all or nothing" mentality. They either want a relationship to be exciting all the time, or they live with unbearable pain rather than move on. Healthy relationships are sometimes lukewarm.

12. The willingness to substitute "influencing" for "controlling." This means: - Saying something once and then letting it go. - It also means being a role-model instead of nagging someone to change.

13. The willingness to keep your personality boundaries (even when you feel like losing yourself in the other person). This is how we maintain our self-esteem.

14. Devotion. How can an intimate relationship feel good if we aren't special to each other.

15. Quality time together. At the same time, you want to set aside time for personal interests. Look for balance.

16. Knowing when to stay and when to leave. This means staying when things are going well (and you feel like running), and being willing to let go of the relationship if it is unhealthy.

17. It is also important to have compatibility and "ease" in a relationship. At the same time it must be understood that no relationship is perfect. (Compatibility comes from being alike or from having a high tolerance for your partner's differences.)

18. The willingness to face your problems (without over-reacting).

19. Respect and admiration, but there should also be an understanding that your partner will not always look good to you.

20. Reciprocity (give and take), but you should also be willing to make sacrifices now and then.

21. Realistic expectations about how much of your happiness should come from the relationship not too much and not too little.

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