I am sure there are those who could argue that self-perception and weight have little to do with each other but I am afraid I am not one of them. For me the two have always been intertwined and it began very early.
Our perception of self begins with input and information we get from those around us and begins instantly at birth.
At three years of age I was a pretty happy child, I had a mom and dad who loved me. I remember my mother praising me for eating a whole piece of toast.
Then my whole world was up ended. My mother died and I knew it was my fault. I also began to hear the words, chubby and fat, used in reference to me. They weren't good words and it wasn't something you wanted to be. Chubby or fat was bad.
I didn't understand exactly what those words meant or how to avoid them and then I heard the word diet. All I knew was I hurt inside. When my stepmother didn't let me eat or gave me very little to eat, I hurt even more. It was here that my self perception and weight became connected. I was chubby , which was bad. I hurt inside and I didn't like that so I searched for ways to ease the pain. Food helped ease that pain.
While I didn't understand it back then, as my pain increased so did my quest for food, causing weight gain, which was bad and made me bad.
Food could not erase the pain of losing my mother, it could not reduce the feelings of rejection I felt from my father, stepmother and stepsisters. It could not make me feel loved and wanted . Unfortunately I didn't understand at four, where all my pain was coming from. In my world, my tummy hurt, food eased that hurt so more food would take away even more pain. I couldn't find enough food to stop the ache completely but it became my mission to try. My success resulted in extra weight which angered and frustrated the adults around me. Fixing even more deeply the perception of myself as bad.
The adults in my life tried every diet imaginable to make me more acceptable, better, more worthy. When the diets failed it was only further proof of how bad I was. It wasn't that I didn't want to lose weight, I hated being fat, I hated myself.
All I longed for was to feel loved and wanted. Which made me vulnerable to child predators, unfortunately my Aunt was married to one. It took a while for me to understand that what he professed to give was not good or normal. I also knew he was liked and I wasn't. I knew that somehow the situation was my fault, that I had caused it. More pain, more guilt, more self loathing and only food to turn to. I needed more food to bury the pain, to bury myself.
It seems to be a basic human need to want to be loved, yet I hadn't been able to find it. I wasn't deserving, in part I knew because I was fat. I consistently made bad things happen, I felt responsible, I felt guilt and pain. My only tool to combat it all was food, so I ate, I got fatter, and I hated myself even more.
I can not explain all the conflicting emotions and actions I have experienced. At times it seems I have been able to tap into positive parts of myself and experience success in some areas. Although success can make me feel very uncomfortable and scares me. Often I have undermined myself to avoid success, to instead deal with the much more familiar feelings of failure.
I wanted to die and I have suspected that my weight gain over the years has been a passive attempt at suicide. I didn't like myself, I didn't feel worthy of love. I pushed people away, both emotionally and physically with my bulk.
Several times I have tried to accept myself, tried to lose weight, tried to be worthy of being loved. Twenty years ago I lost 150 pounds, I felt good about me. That was very odd and unfamiliar. My younger brother was able to pick me up. No one was suppose to be able to do that! My husband was threatened by my weight loss, I couldn't mentally see myself as smaller. Feeling good about me became too unnerving. Before I realized it, I was back to eating my guilt and emotions, regaining my weight.
Yo-yoing up and down with your weight isn't healthy and after a couple more half hearted attempts to lose weight, which resulted in the scales climbing even higher, I decided I would never diet again. I was over 500 pounds, my self perception at an all time low.
I was physically ill and waiting to die. While I had escaped high blood pressure and diabetes, my thyroid was out, I had sleep apnea and I could barely move, breathing was a challenge. I continued in this state for many years.
My self perception began to change first because I was taking too long to die, I was sick of waiting, tired of and frustrated with the quality of my life. I had to make myself better. I had also met someone, who though I didn't realize it would have a slow and powerful impact on my life. Someone who accepted who I was unconditionally and taught me that I was worthy, I was acceptable, regardless of my size.
It was a slow process for me, I had years of damage to undo. I searched for ways to improve my health and I struggled with what changes I could make in my life. I put my weight on a back burner, it was going to be a huge undertaking and would take lots of soul searching.
At first the changes I made were small, each improvement to my health gave me more hope. After many months, I felt good enough to tackle my weight issues. Knowing your fat isn't enough to change things, even knowing why you're overweight won't magically change the numbers on the scales. Many people think to lose weight you just have to eat less and exercise. They have no understanding of the psychological and emotional under currents that drive people to overeat. Habits that become so ingrained you aren't even aware of them all.
Each individuals battle is unique, different perceptions and emotions woven into the same symptom. My journey began with getting healthy, with wanting to regain the quality of my life. Weight loss became a part of that process and has certainly improved my perception of self. As my self perception has improved, my confidence and self worth has grown and my weight has dropped. This too is a cycle that builds on its self. I have lost over 230 pounds and while I have more to lose, for the first time in my life, I can see myself making and maintaining my goals because I have improved how I perceive myself. I have a sense of value and worth I never knew before. There hasn't been a special diet, only believing myself to be worth healthier foods, deserving of fresher, more natural fare. Of taking care of myself and giving my body the exercise it needs to properly function.
It isn't easy to turn off the old tapes of negativity that run in one's head, I struggle daily with my self-perception and no doubt always will. Which is why it is so important to love our children unconditionally, to make them feel loved and secure. To give them the confidence and assurances they will need to succeed.