by Paul Schingle

Created on: May 03, 2009   Last Updated: May 04, 2009

This is a very tricky and delicate situation. Again, it becomes necessary to take issue with helium's choice of wording on a question. I would probably re-word the question as: "Is it okay for ex-lovers to be friends?" I'm under the assumption that this is the real implication behind the question and am, therefore, writing for this side. I don't like the word "should" in the question as it implies necessity. If that was the true meaning of the question, then I would vote no. Even taken the way I have-that it's okay for exes to be friends-I think it wise that they proceed with caution and, above anything else, be honest with themselves as to motivation and purpose behind the friendship.

One thing to consider is the nature of the original relationship. Were the ex-lovers married? If so, do they have kids together? (I suppose they could have kids together, even if they weren't married, so perhaps that should be question number one). If they do have kids together, then I'd say they need to communicate with one another and any communications together in front of the kids should be friendly-though this doesn't automatically mean they should be friends. What has to be taken into account is the way they interact around the kids. While fighting in front of the children will only make the kids feel worse, being overly friendly or affectionate can give them the wrong idea. It's a delicate line and should be approached with care.

But, let's act under the assumption that the two never did have children together. What is the motivation to remain friends? Again, I believe they should proceed cautiously. This is a two-edged sword. Remember, there was a reason they were lovers, but also, there was a reason they stopped being lovers. Can the two people get together without flopping into bed together? Conversely, can they get together without arguing and opening old wounds? These are serious considerations. If there is a strong possibility of either of these results happening, then pursuing the friendship is probably not very healthy.

Now, let's proceed under the assumption that all of the above warnings are heeded and a relatively normal friendship can continue. That is, the two do not have kids together. They can meet without either wanting to sleep together or kill each other. What now? I think it's only fair to have a couple of ground rules so that certain lines don't get crossed and there is always a proper amount of respect afforded each other.

First, both parties have to be mindful that the other may well have a new person in his/her life. If that's the case, the friendship is always going to take a back seat to the new relationship. Next, it is very wise not to bring up the past. Yes, you had some good times together-before. That was then; this is now. As in any friendship, there is an expectation of support. If your ex wants to bring up problems with his/her current relationship and merely wants you for a sounding board, then, that's your job now. If hearing about your former lover's current situation is too much to bear, then I'd say the old feelings have not gone away completely and, staying "just friends" may be impossible for you. These are questions only you can answer in your own mind.

Should ex-lovers be friends? I don't necessarily think that they should, but I'd say it's okay if they are. They just have to remember to be respectful and understand that the new friendship is just that-friendship. They aren't lovers any more. The past is gone. If all these warnings are too much, then it may be in the best interest of both not to pursue the friendship.

Learn more about this author, Paul Schingle.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.